This year's mental progress report! Essentially, and as I've mentioned before, I like to keep my thoughts here and at this time I think it's time to record how I feel about myself personally since 2012 began last year. I've changed quite a bit in that time.
Beginning of 2012 is when I had gone through one of my biggest physiological reevaluations (from the year 2010-2011) and reached a good mental health. My depression, I had gradually let go of a majority of the trust issues I gained from past friendships and the general (this is not an exaggeration) blood-thirsty demeanor I took on when I thought of certain people subsided. New year, fresh start!
I made a lot of really amazing friends my Freshman year and I really came out of my shell and was able to talk about my own interests. It was a much healthier environment and I became more social as the year went on. There were dips with my depression in those times but they were nowhere near as destructive as they had been in 2011.
In December 2012 I began to get a lot of anxiety caused by one of my male friends who I'd become very close to. We never had, and still do not, have a healthy relationship with each other. I had romantic feelings for him, and paired with his own clinical depression, it has never been a good match. I still have some serious anxiety when it comes to our relationship, but for the majority it's something I'm able to forget most of the time. This extends into the next school year (August 2023) as far as my mental state.
From this school year so far: I honestly have come to a very awesome state of mind. I feel totally comfortable with my body, sexuality (do not even ask me I swear to-) and personality. I am comfortable expressing my opinions and do so often, and have developed a 2-Chance No Bullshit system of friendship that I stick to fervently. It has paid off well and I have surrounded myself with some really awesome people!
I think that my mental state is possibly the best it's been, especially with a new event. I've reconnected with a dear old friend, and honestly, I think that's been the base of my recent euphoria. It makes me incredibly happy that we could both be adults and come back together - because she was such an awesome friend and the circumstances in which we part were more than unfavorable. It has added to my positivity and it means I only have more awesome people around me.
I have developed a roller-costing social anxiety with certain situations, however. It usually occurs when in new situations or at times when I'm uncomfortable with my environment or the people around me. There are times when it is mentally taxing for me to go to school or interact with the people around me. On those days I have a special word (Watermelon) so I can tell the people around me why I seem different. In other situations I cannot order my own food at restaurants. I then get extremely mad when people announce that it is my order when they do so for me. In those times I think I'm trying to become invisible because I feel more comfortable watching (as if invisible).
There are no other forces of anxiety or negativity in my life, other than the one male friend (who I do still care about because he's a nice guy). With him, I don't know what I'll do. Lately I've been doing my best to give him firm advice when he slips into depression (which is always). When we talk about a physical future together it makes me extremely uncomfortable, but this is something I think I will work out the next time it arises. Because I know I don't deserve to feel that way, or him make me.
Also, another source of good mental health has been my own comfortability with my sexuality and the acceptance from the people around me. I can now be a free Queer and live amongst my brethren!
I know a lot of this information has been said before, but I prefer to have an official post I can look to instead of slipping through random entries. Convenience is key, my friends.
So, this has been a Psyche report!
