I'm smart. Yeah, by itself that can sound pretty arrogant/self-absorbed, but really, it's not. It is ok to acknowledge your good traits! And one of mine is being smart. I do well in school, I have a GPA of 4, I do my best to help others, and I try my best to be a good student.
Overall, sounds good yeah? wELP.
I have severe anxiety. I mean, it's really unhealthy. A portion of it is social (Ex. Tuesday I had to go to a club meeting by myself and felt so anxious it made me physically sick), some just unexplained attacks, and another comes from expectations/perceptions of me.
Another example is my Honors English class. I have an A in that class and I usually do fairly good! But there are times when I get a project back and it's not 100% - when that happens I literally feel like trash. Like from that point on the teacher will look at me (even if it's something stupid like a 45/50) and think I'm stupid.
If I get a quiz back in biology with a 11/14 I literally want to kill myself because I feel like such a massive failure. To everyone else it's totally over exaggerating because they think it's perfectly fine, and if it was anyone else I'd say it was too! But because it's me it's trash, and basically the equivalent of an F.
I can't ask teachers questions or get help from them because I feel like if I do they'll think I'm stupid. Even if it is their job and I know they always want to help! My grades are such a huge anxiety to me I don't even know how to handle it sometimes.
Another part of being smart is having people copy off of you.
The worst I've ever had this in is my Biology class. People in the immediate area (my friends and a few acquaintances I've known since last year) copy about 98% of what I do. Bellwork? Copied. Packets? Copied. Lab Books? You guessed it - motherfuckin' copied. At first I was ok with this because hey - they're my friends! I don't want them to fail.
But it's been 3 months, and at this point they don't even ask anymore. One of my "friends" literally turns around from in front of me, grabs my packet WHILE I'M STILL WRITING, and begins to copy. No asking, nothing. And she's rude about it too! When I ask for it back so I can at least finish the work we're supposed to be turning in, she gets snippy! "Whatever, just hurry". Bitch, I will take my sweet time!
So tomorrow, being the last day of the quarter, I have a plan to sabotage them. My one good friend in that class (who always asks, and is genuinely sincere in her thanks when she needs help/to copy) is in on it. I will literally feed half the class bogus answers and watch them burn as they turn in work. It will be beautiful.
This has been my rant. (◡‿◡✿)
/laura out
