lmao

me @ this blog: wtf was i, as a child

im screaming ive been alive 18 years and never seen something so cringeworthy

im gonna save this forever

#gloup

stares into camera like the Office

its been so long since I looked back at this blog and I've just been sitting here reading and cringing. Sophomore year was so annoying and I was such a hot mess I stg. But I learned a lot about life that year so it was worth it <3

Anyway, I don't think I'm gonna update this blog?? like I love it because i can look back and laugh at myself, but I thing I'll stick to Twitter for my rants and stuff unless I'm really,

really

bored.

But I'll probably make more writing centered blogs for storage! Cause one think I still like about blogspot is how you can customize things still, and that can be helpful when formatting

Anyway, just wanted to give a update

ciao (:

Rodeo

Ahhh, so it's finally rodeo weekend and it's so nice to finally have a break. Especially cause I get to go hiking and filming + a mall trip with my friend. A three-day school week isn't too bad either, omg. Oh the downside, next monday I have my Reading/Writing AIMS. My honors teacher seemed pretty confident about me doing well, but I'm still p nervous. I want to get a 6 and possibly get a scholarship, and to do that I really have to get creative with the essay.

Other than that, I wanted to kind of make this a mental health update. I don't know how everything's going really, it's been pretty wonky lately. My anger issues have been picking up, but in a way its reasonable because there have been a lot of stupid crossing into my life. So, lots o anger/irritation. I've also been wanting to be alone a lot more lately? Like, I have my group of friends that I love, and my best friend who I adore, but some other ones are just killing me cause we're too different.

It's nice though because I've been making new friends, but right now I really just want May to be here so I can get out of this state. The wait is killing me, and I really want to get out to NY and DC.

My anxiety has been down a lot lately, and I think I'm on the verge of being a lot more confident. Last night I was reading some stuff and it made me realize that I have one life, and what's life without a few regrets? I think finding a channel to plug my frustration into would be healthy. There's football and wrestling at my highschool (for everyone) and I've been thinking about wrestling for a really long time. That, or maybe running. Just something I can vent through without thinking much. I think I can do it, and if not through sports, painting. Since last year I've been getting more and more into it, and I think I'm finally going to start doing canvas work this month.

This has been an update;

Ciao!

Queer Dancing Baby

First month of 2014 and things have been pretty interesting! I spent New Years at the mall with friends and ended the day by breaking my toe on our living room couch (I literally stubbed my toe so hard I broke it what the heckie). I got some new stuff for my room including a really nice Game of Thrones poster and some new clothes/jewelry.

There's been a lotta drama at school, especially centered around my group of friends. They all have this ridiculous three-way friendship going on with each other and it's gotten pretty confusing. Other than that, school itself has gotten really stressful. I got my certificate for Semester 1 Honor Roll, which I'm really proud of, and an invitation to join the National Honors Society. NHS is stressing me out because of the tough entry requirements but it is something I'd really like to be a part of... Ug. The third thing is our school Newspaper. My English teacher asked me to join and do articles, but it involves talking to strangers and being really outgoing. I can already see the panic attacks on the horizon, and I can't refuse because I'm such a people pleaser and I will hate myself if I say no. On the bright side, at least it will look good on my resume,,,

The best event though was last night!!! Last night my school had our Winter Formal (a dance) and I went with my friend and we had a blast. It went from 8pm-11pm and I was ecstatic. I got a new dress and tights for it and ended up looking pretty cute! The dress was probably the shortest thing I've ever worn, but the tights made it work. Plus the high waistline made my chest look good (something petty I tend to stress over omg). The heels I had were killer tho, and after the first hour my feet were dying. The music was so fun too, and they played things like Gundam Style and Gaspedal (which was so fun to dance to I stg). For the slow-dance they even played one of my favorite songs - "Don't wanna miss a Thing" - and I danced with my friend to it.

It was also really nice because the Friday before I'd spent the night at my other friends house. The next morning we went to an event for our Culinary club and helped make the food.

But I think the thing I'm looking forward to most is tomorrow, which is when I may get questions about slow-dancing with my friend during the romantic songs. We know it was platonic, but it might've sent some red flags to them cause they have no idea I'm not straight. I guess it would be nice tho to come out without having to actually to say so.

If they ask what my sexuality is, it's gonna be confusing. I know 100% that I'm not straight because I have literally never identified as such and the idea is crazy to me. Over the years I've ID'd as pansexual, but now I'm not sure. It doesn't sit quite right with me anymore and I'm not sure why. Lately I've just been saying "Queer" cause it's easier than saying "Girls are always good - no matter what - and so is everyone else on the gender binary, but boys are hit or miss." Like, I see boys that I'm legit attracted to and would date, but it's so rare. Basically, Queer is how I roll, and I guess that's what I'll say. Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and find other Queer girls.

Christmas!!

Christmas this year was absolutely fantastic! The whole family, even though we're pretty small, got together and had Christmas dinner and exchanged presents. A few days before we all celebrated my cousins birthday too, which was also fun.

I've been able to get everyone some neat presents. I made cute little candy boxes for my friends and school and more elaborate stuff for closer friends & family. I've been doing a ton with my acrylic paints and modelling clay lately. Some of it has turned out really well too! For one of my friends I made a little Loki (from the Avengers) helmet. It turned out quite good. The presents I got were also fantastic! Some video games, new perfume, and a bunch of artist supplies.

Also on Christmas eve we went to this really special neighborhood in town where they decorate like crazy and have beautiful lights. We all packed in the car with pillows and blankets and drove through it. I really enjoyed it because it was the first Christmas in years where we were all happy and it really felt like the holidays. Tomorrow will be even more awesome cause my friend is coming over for a sleepover (my wife basically) and then we're going to the movies on Friday.

This week and the next will also be good for body adjustments. My sister just got her new snakebite piercings to match her brow and I'm going to get my hair done to match my new goal I have a piercing of my own now too (forgot to mention!!). Nose stud, nothing too exciting but the ring will come later. (in the middle, gold for sure). She got a new laptop so today we took our first conjoined selfie (my sister on the left and me on the right)

So fierce

NaNoWriMo 2013

I just finished my my first 50,000 words in NaNoWriMo (the title was Gold, and I ended with 91 pages), and I don't know why, but I almost feel somber about it. Like, looking back at the story I really enjoyed it a lot and I plan to finish it, definitely, because I need to see how it ends. Writing it was like an adventure, and I guess I'm sad because I know I'll be leaving those parts of me behind in the coming months because there's no official motivation or clock I need to keep up with.

I might continue it next NaNo, as the second part to the first novel, but in a way that's too long. I feel really emotionally involved with this story and that's one of the reasons I feel sad about finishing. Sure, it's really awesome I'm done and all, I'm so glad I did it, but still. It's so fresh in my mind I don't know how to accurately describe what's happening.

I'm getting all emotional about my characters, even the little minor ones, because it is a tragic story and what's happened to them is only just now sinking in. It seems all horrible and fun when you first write it, but then it sinks in and you realize what you've done to these imaginary people. They're like my kids, and I just want them to be happy but in some cases, that's just not how the story goes.

Bad things happen and you can't let those things go without repercussion, one because that's bad writing, and two because that's not how people are. I know some people might think it's weird to feel bad over something fictional, but hey, if you're a writer, I'm sure you know how I feel.

These are just the thoughts that have been rolling around in my head since I finished about an hour ago, and maybe they'll wear off soon, but until then, I'm going to continue planning out how to finish this story. The first 50k only covered 1/3 of it, so it's my pleasure to finish it in the months to come. I want to flesh out these characters and get to know them better, dive deeper, and, I swear to god, plan a way for some of them to make it through the struggles with only mild wounds.

Smartical Barnicle Trash

I'm smart. Yeah, by itself that can sound pretty arrogant/self-absorbed, but really, it's not. It is ok to acknowledge your good traits! And one of mine is being smart. I do well in school, I have a GPA of 4, I do my best to help others, and I try my best to be a good student.

Overall, sounds good yeah? wELP.

I have severe anxiety. I mean, it's really unhealthy. A portion of it is social (Ex. Tuesday I had to go to a club meeting by myself and felt so anxious it made me physically sick), some just unexplained attacks, and another comes from expectations/perceptions of me.

Another example is my Honors English class. I have an A in that class and I usually do fairly good! But there are times when I get a project back and it's not 100% - when that happens I literally feel like trash. Like from that point on the teacher will look at me (even if it's something stupid like a 45/50) and think I'm stupid.

If I get a quiz back in biology with a 11/14 I literally want to kill myself because I feel like such a massive failure. To everyone else it's totally over exaggerating because they think it's perfectly fine, and if it was anyone else I'd say it was too! But because it's me it's trash, and basically the equivalent of an F.

I can't ask teachers questions or get help from them because I feel like if I do they'll think I'm stupid. Even if it is their job and I know they always want to help! My grades are such a huge anxiety to me I don't even know how to handle it sometimes.

Another part of being smart is having people copy off of you.

The worst I've ever had this in is my Biology class. People in the immediate area (my friends and a few acquaintances I've known since last year) copy about 98% of what I do. Bellwork? Copied. Packets? Copied. Lab Books? You guessed it - motherfuckin' copied. At first I was ok with this because hey - they're my friends! I don't want them to fail.

But it's been 3 months, and at this point they don't even ask anymore. One of my "friends" literally turns around from in front of me, grabs my packet WHILE I'M STILL WRITING, and begins to copy. No asking, nothing. And she's rude about it too! When I ask for it back so I can at least finish the work we're supposed to be turning in, she gets snippy! "Whatever, just hurry". Bitch, I will take my sweet time!

So tomorrow, being the last day of the quarter, I have a plan to sabotage them. My one good friend in that class (who always asks, and is genuinely sincere in her thanks when she needs help/to copy) is in on it. I will literally feed half the class bogus answers and watch them burn as they turn in work. It will be beautiful.

This has been my rant. (◡‿◡✿)

/laura out

Psyche Evaluation #1 (2012-2013)

  This year's mental progress report! Essentially, and as I've mentioned before, I like to keep my thoughts here and at this time I think it's time to record how I feel about myself personally since 2012 began last year. I've changed quite a bit in that time. 

Beginning of 2012 is when I had gone through one of my biggest physiological reevaluations (from the year 2010-2011) and reached a good mental health. My depression, I had gradually let go of a majority of the trust issues I gained from past friendships and the general (this is not an exaggeration) blood-thirsty demeanor I took on when I thought of certain people subsided. New year, fresh start!

I made a lot of really amazing friends my Freshman year and I really came out of my shell and was able to talk about my own interests. It was a much healthier environment and  I became more social as the year went on. There were dips with my depression in those times but they were nowhere near as destructive as they had been in 2011. 

In December 2012 I began to get a lot of anxiety caused by one of my male friends who I'd become very close to. We never had, and still do not, have a healthy relationship with each other. I had romantic feelings for him, and paired with his own clinical depression, it has never been a good match. I still have some serious anxiety when it comes to our relationship, but for the majority it's something I'm able to forget most of the time. This extends into the next school year (August 2023) as far as my mental state. 

From this school year so far: I honestly have come to a very awesome state of mind. I feel totally comfortable with my body, sexuality (do not even ask me I swear to-) and personality. I am comfortable expressing my opinions and do so often, and have developed a 2-Chance No Bullshit system of friendship that I stick to fervently. It has paid off well and I have surrounded myself with some really awesome people!

I think that my mental state is possibly the best it's been, especially with a new event. I've reconnected with a dear old friend, and honestly, I think that's been the base of my recent euphoria. It makes me incredibly happy that we could both be adults and come back together - because she was such an awesome friend and the circumstances in which we part were more than unfavorable. It has added to my positivity and it means I only have more awesome people around me. 

I have developed a roller-costing social anxiety with certain situations, however. It usually occurs when in new situations or at times when I'm uncomfortable with my environment or the people around me. There are times when it is mentally taxing for me to go to school or interact with the people around me. On those days I have a special word (Watermelon) so I can tell the people around me why I seem different. In other situations I cannot order my own food at restaurants. I then get extremely mad when people announce that it is my order when they do so for me. In those times I think I'm trying to become invisible because I feel more comfortable watching (as if invisible).

There are no other forces of anxiety or negativity in my life, other than the one male friend (who I do still care about because he's a nice guy). With him, I don't know what I'll do. Lately I've been doing my best to give him firm advice when he slips into depression (which is always). When we talk about a physical future together it makes me extremely uncomfortable, but this is something I think I will work out the next time it arises. Because I know I don't deserve to feel that way, or him make me. 

Also, another source of good mental health has been my own comfortability with my sexuality and the acceptance from the people around me. I can now be a free Queer and live amongst my brethren!

I know a  lot of this information has been said before, but I prefer to have an official post I can look to instead of slipping through random entries. Convenience is key, my friends. 

So, this has been a Psyche report!

Torso Bursting

  Ah yes, so my Sophomore year of high school has started! Three weeks in and things have been very fun. My new classes are pretty neat and so far I'm really appreciating that I joined my Honors classes in preparation for AP. I have to say though, at first taking higher up classes really scared me because I didn't know if I was capable or not. My English Honors was the one I was most afraid for - but it ended up being right at (if not below slightly?) my level. My other classes have been quite the experience too.

1st- Audio/Visual Media
2nd- Culinary Arts
3rd- Biology
4th- History (My top favorite class of all time. Thinking of Majoring in it because honestly, for me it's just like being told stories. Really inspirational stuff!)
5th- English
6th- Geometry.

 So far I think my top 3 classes are History, Biology, and Geometry. All very fun. I really do enjoy learning, and I know a lot of people think it's weird that I have that opinion of school. I hold a lot of respect for teachers and what they do - hell, they're literally carrying the next generations. So I always try to do my best whilst on my own personal quest for knowledge.

 The only major setback has been with friends! I only have one class with my dearest friend, which had been a big bummer for us both, and none with my friend T. Now, usually that wouldn't bother me, but I had been in the process of wooing T so you can see how that would make things difficult. 

Romantically speaking, things have been all over the place with me. In fact, something huge happened the first freakin' week of school. As I said above, I was interested in my friend T. 'Had been since the 2nd semester of my Freshman year. I was even going to ask him out. But. My second dearest friend, F. (lets use vague letters so in case they ever see this I won't be foiled)

 Ok, so let's me real. I adored him from day 1 when we were introduced. We literally talked every day and the first thing I thought was "wow what a nice". He and my other good friend made me feel super at home with my new life at school. So he and I became incredibly close all throughout Freshman year. We texted for hours, and literally had 4 hour phone calls. He was my best friend - possibly the closest person I've been to in years. And it was mutual. Honestly, I never really openly accepted that I liked him until the end of the year. I had been helping him with his girl troubles all year - giving him advice and doing my best to help him get someone. So - end of the year. Summer starts.

 Also- should put in that we had discussed a FWB situation around Christmas but never went through with it.

 But yes, summer. He was going out-of-state to his dads so I only got to see him once. I went to his house and we hung, and then, at the very very end when we were getting ready to go he asked me if I wanted to kiss. Now, the sudden situation made me very cautious so I stayed seated and questioned whether or not he really wanted to (if he was sure, etc). He ended up backing out. So things went on. The second I got home I literally wanted to punch myself because wow, I could have kissed him.

 He leaves the state. Summer rolls by, and he tells me he's going to stay with his dad because of a family situation. I was literally heartbroken, something I'm sure he still doesn't know. In the month following our relationship spikes dramatically. He says he's starting to like me, and that at multiple intervals during Freshman year he did too. I confess and tell him I liked him the first few months of our friendship (too scared to tell him I liked him the entire time). I told him I liked him currently. He was still processing. He ended up dating someone for a few weeks long-distance, but they broke up for that reason.

 At that time school was beginning and he told me he was coming back into AZ for a day to collect his things. I was extremely happy. Second day of school was when he was supposed to come. Around 5-6PM to hang out with me and our dear mutual friend. The drive ended up taking a whole hell of a lot longer, so we dispersed and went home for the night because none of us thought we'd be able to meet up. So I'm sitting at home, it's 10:30PM, and I get a text from him saying he's in town. Now, I was already feeling wretched because I thought I wouldn't be able to see him, so we worked a plan out. 10:30 at night, me and my sister are in the car driving down to a Walmart 20 miles away while his parents make a pit stop.

 We get there and hang out for thirty minutes or so, but my sister has to get home quick. The entire time him and I are trying to get away from our sisters and it feels hopeless. He walks us back to our car in the parking lot and my sister gets in while we chat behind the car.

 Now, I've probably never been so frozen in my life. The two of us awkwardly stood there chewing our lips and chucking. He starts scooting closer so in my head I'm going "do "  but I'm still nervous. Then he said "Come here" and I don't know. I just stopped and we both hugged (only the second time we ever did). And I just wanted to keep him there and bury my head in his neck and not move because I knew he was going. But after a moment or two I pulled my head back and we kissed.

 It was simple. Short. He really did have incredibly soft lips.

 For me, doing that was saying goodbye. We aren't going to see each other again until Christmas, and he has a girlfriend at home. I'm in the process of letting go. But for me, that was the curtain call.

I think the greatest part of this school year was being able to hold and kiss my favorite boy in a Walmart parking lot.

 I profusely apologize for being so sappy and bringing the mood down. Honestly, I've trailed off quite a bit. But this was an important moment in my life, and this is my blog. So you can see how those two would piece together.

Adeu, and thanks for reading!

-L.

End of First High School Semester

    My Freshman year in high school officially ended May 23rd, 2013. I can proudly say that it was a ridiculously  good year and that I'm super excited for my Sophomore year. I think it's safe for me to say that this was the best year of my life so far - because of all the new things I got to experience, a ton of new friends, and a ton of new knowledge in my head.

 I know a lot of people hate school because of the classes (having t pay attention, listening, stuff like that) but I really and thoroughly enjoyed it. I learned things while I was homeschooled, a lot of things. But things that would not prepare me for the world. Going to school and sitting through classes, learning all these new things  was enlightening. As I've said before, and is my personal mantra, "Education is as important as food and water". (I immediately have a huge problem with you if you don't think education is important)

 Luckily for me, even though I was at a disadvantage, my classes came easily and I got to steal a "A" grade-level average   and a 3.67 GPA (next year I will get either a 3.8 or 4, I swear to god) this semester and last. My biggest weakness is definitely Math.

 After everything that happened this last school year I think next year will be even better. Of course it's a scary thought - there's going to be new pressures - but I'm looking forward to meeting more people and having my new classes. Another thing that I'll have to think about are careers. I think that if you identify a rough area you plan to work in and start working towards it at a young age you'll be a lot more likely to have success. Oh, and something else really neat, I'll be driving in November. (going to literally kill everyone on the road and kidnap all of my friends)

 With all that said in overview, I think this post is done. Hopefully something blog-worthy will happen soon! I will update as such happens.

Adieu,

L.

Highschool? What??

Jesus Christ on a stick guys, it's been awhile. I mean good lord the last time I updated this was in July! JULY! That's too long. But! Now I'm inspired to pick things up where I left off and try to update at least once a month. Right now I think I'll take things simple and start from where things really started to kick off since last year: Highschool.

August 6th, 2012. My first day of high school and I can honestly say I wasn't nervous! I had new hair, no baggage and honestly I was ready to get out into the world. That, I'm happy to say, has definitely  happened. For the first semester I had the greatest classes in the world - fun subjects, teachers, classmates, everything really! Here's what the schedule was.

1st - Algebra 1
2nd - Integrated Science
3rd - Fundamentals of Audio/Visual Media
4th - English
Lunch
5th - Fundamentals of Culinary Arts
6th - P.E

My electives (P.E, Culinary, Audio/Visual) are definitely the funnest classes. I really loved Culinary and AV the most though, because the teachers were absolutely top notch and I can't wait to take their advanced classes next year! Ug, speaking of sophomore year... Picking classes is so hard when you love them all! D: But, I did have some luck. I was able to get into Honours English (one of the more advanced classes!).
As for my sophomore electives I had a choice between 4, which was very hard. Especially since I switched electives in the second semester.

1st - Algebra 1
2nd - Integrated Science
3rd - Fundamentals of Photography (hate that class, hate the teacher)
4th - English
Lunch
5th - P.E
6th - Fundamentals of Construction

I really like Construction, which is one of the classes I'm in now. Photography though... Oh god do I hate that class. Oh. My. God. Audio Visual was so much more fun. Here's the links to some of the stuff I did in them! Audio Visual and Photography. Not the most quality stuff in the world, but you know, I had fun making it.

Anyway, onto some of the more personal things that have happened since starting school. My new friends - I don't deserve them. I've made so many new ones and they add such a positive influence in my life that I've been kept out of the dark ever since meeting them. It's wonderful, honestly - to have friends like them. Some of them I'm very close to and can talk about pretty much anything, others are more casual and always lighten up my day when I'm feeling bad, and with all of them I know I can joke and laugh with all day because we're all just a bunch of weirdoes who have great senses of humour.

Honestly, the people I've met have made me wonder why I ever thought about other people the way I did. After meeting people and going through the high school experience I've learned something, something that I needed to have: Self Respect.

Before starting school I had friends who, although we had a lot of fun together (in the beginning, anyway), I always felt like I cared more about the friendship then they did. I would practically mute myself in situations and take the mental and verbal abuse because I thought I was being patient - that they couldn't help it and if we just talked it through then they would apologize - and things? They'd be great! Well they weren't, and because of a situation like that I lost my best friend.

Things are different now. I respect my friends, and they respect me. There's no constant tension or fight for dominance and certainly no bullshit. If we do get into an argument and something insults me or them, we don't screw around - we say so immediately and it gets solved! And if I meet someone who says something like that to me, I now have to courage to challenge them and defend myself - because god damn if I don't deserve that.

And that is something I will treasure having the ability to do. Now I really feel like I've stepped out of my old life, and I'm looking forward to every minute of my future because for once in a very long time I am totally and completely happy.

- End Post - April 13 - 2013

Hi guys. (:

A Touch of Preference

 As a pansexual, there are a lot of ways to find attractiveness in people. With no gender locking me down there's always something I notice about people. There are certain traits I particularly find attractive in people, and so that's what I'm starting out with. Now, there's are lots of different genders, but feminine traits and masculine traits tend to be in a majority of them (i.e.; excluding gender-neutral or gender-gray people). -That said, for this list I'm just labeling the masculine and feminine traits under "Guy" and "Girl".

 Yeah, I hope you got that. Well, a easier way to put it would be; I'm documenting what I currently find attractive in girls & boys. Mm.

 Girls:
 1. Affectionate (sometimes).
 2. Ranging body types, specifically the built kind.
 3. Personalities. Intelligent, sassy, humorous, you name it. Obviously guys' have personalities, but usually not the same types as some girls.
 4. Generally pretty! If there's one thing I do enjoy about more feminine people, it's that they're simply very beautiful!

 Boys:
 1. Rougher (usually), and masculine (usually).
 2. Deep voices.
 3. Facial hair (5 o-clock shadows omg).
 4. Charming personalities.
 5. They usually take the lead, which would be different (for me) then dating a girl.

 That roughly sums things up. I'd elaborate, but just typing that is making me feel kind of disgusting. 'Just seems shallow. There's nothing wrong with liking certain traits, but it's late and I have a feeling all of that came out wrong.

 But anyway, moving on.

 The reason I brought this up is because I'm getting into high school soon, and there'll be a lot of new people there. I'd really love to date someone (but after all, who doesn't?) and it's just been on my mind. Although I really don't know how easy it'll be with my looks.

 Like I said in a earlier post, I recently got my hair cut. Well, I'm getting it cut again. Yeah, that's right. Again. It's silly because it really isn't necessary, but the way it is now bothers me. It only looks good 2/6 of the time, and when it doesn't look good it really looks mangy. Or at least in my opinion. So I'm getting the haircut I originally wanted, and you'll never guess who it originated from.

  ...

 It's Jensen Ackles you son of a biscuit.

Idle Functioning

 School starts in a little bit, and so far I'm not regretting the negligence I've shown towards catching up. Thing's have been going relatively good. No bad moods, and there have been quite a lot of things to keep me occupied. Nothing bad has happened in awhile, in fact, a few good things have popped up.

 I got my hair cut about two days ago. It's a lot shorter now, and since I had 10+ inches I got to donate it to a cancer wig fund. I'm still a bit touchy with the length, though. I'd prefer it a bit shorter, but at the end of the day it's better then that I had before. It feels nice to finally have cut it, especially since my only reason for growing it out in the first place is gone. Well, not exactly. I'm still a bit fuzzy on that part.

 But anyway, as this post I found on Tumblr says...

Cutting off hair in ancient Asia (Japan, china, Korea & possibly some other Asian cultures) symbolizes being banished or rejected from their home. In the more modern age that is now, cutting long hair into a short cut means to forget the past, leaving the old and starting anew.

Goodnight, Lisa Weyer (1)

 "It was hot, and Lisa Weyer, seventeen years old and fresh out of school, was one of the few kids relaxing in her house watching old horror movies.

 She was camped out on the couch she and her dad had bought earlier in the year in shorts and a tank top. Her short brown hair stuck to her scalp even though the AC was blasting. After the first few days of intense heat she'd started to suspect it was broken, but her dad was too tired to look at it.

 He worked the night shift as a security guard for a shipping yard and slept in most of the day. The only time they ever spent time together was during dinner, and after that he had to go. She was alone most of the time, which wasn't a problem for her.

 Lisa was a tough girl, physically and mentally. She played soccer and was on her high school's wrestling team, which made her more then a little fit.  As far as socializing, she wasn't what you'd call a loner. In fact, she had quite a circle of friends. But once school was out, most of them left the state for vacations. The only way she stayed in contact was through email.

***

 Even over the high-pitched wailing coming from the TV I could hear my laptop chime from upstairs. I grabbed the remote and paused the screen before slipping off the couch and heading for the stairs. I took a two at a time and turned the corner at the top to my room. The laptop was sitting on my desk and the screen was lit up with a new message.

 I pulled my chair out and sat in it, tapping the laptop mouse-pad and clicking on the message.

 "Inbox (3)"

 I sorted through some spam emails and a few responses from some friends before pulling away and starting back downstairs. Just as I stepped out of my bedroom the laptop chimed again. I turned on my heels and sat back down in the chair, resting my chin in my palm.

 "Inbox (1)"

 The subject was blank and I didn't recognize the email, but I opened it out of curiosity. The chance of it being spam was incredibly high but I did it anyway. When the wall of text loaded I narrowed my eyes for a second before shaking my head.

  It was blank and not even a sender was listed. I rolled my eyes and marked it as spam.

  I shut down the laptop and jogged back downstairs, staying planted on the couch until my dad came out a few hours later. He walked into the bathroom and started brushing his teeth while slipping into his uniform, looking exhausted. I jumped up to make him a few cups of coffee and called up to him.

 "Hey! What do you want me to make for dinner? We have pork steaks and macaroni, if you want." I poured the coffee into his favorite mug and grabbed the creamer.

 He groaned from the bathroom and I heard him spit into the sink. "Not enough time. Do we have cereal?"

 I set the coffee cup down and opened a few of our cabinets before pulling out a box of Cheerios. "Yeah, we have a box, but are you sure you don't want me to make you something else?"

 He walked into the kitchen and shook his head, sighing. "No, it's fine." He paused and looked at his watch before shaking his head again. "God damn... I'm already late."

 He spotted the coffee and gave me a tired smile before taking it and gulping it down. I shrugged and started taking out the ingredients for the pork steaks. "Well, I'm going to have one of these. Get some Mcdonalds or something, okay?"

 "Yeah, sure I'll try." He chuckled weakly and kissed my forehead before grabbing his wallet and car keys. "Don't stay up too late."

 I smiled. "Of course not."

 He walked out of the kitchen, the front door opening and closing behind him a few seconds later. I fixed up the rest of my pork steak and put it in the oven. It'd take at least 40 minutes before it was done so I brought my laptop down and sat at the island.

 I opened up my email again and saw that there was something in my inbox, and this time there was actually a sender listed. I didn't recognize who it was from but opened it anyway. Since summer break I hadn't gotten all my friend's information and the chances of it being one of them were pretty high.

 I started reading and squinted after the first few lines.

"dearest Lisa, 


 I've intensified to the point where waiting is no longer an option. Weve been friends for many years and I think now is the time to take things to the next level. youre my everything Lisa, and I can't stop this any longer. We'll meet soon.


i've been saving and I finally have enough money to come and visit you. I'll get ther e soon.. i've been staying awake at night because i'm so hapy about this. 


nothing will stop me. Nothing. Youre my soul mate and I promose you that everything will be ok.  
jack."

 Sent by smileyjack534@yahoo.com. I scoffed and deleted the email. People were really getting creative with the junk they spread out, and the fact that I didn't even know a Jack made it stupider. It didn't take a lot of thought to guess it was from another ridiculous dating site. The fact that it looked like it was written by a 10 year old only made it worse.

 I logged out of my email and surfed Youtube for a few hours then ate my pork steak and called a few of my friends before settling down and watching the original Dracula on the living room flat screen. It was around 11:48pm when my laptop chimed again and I opened up the flashing icon to see a IM request. I clicked on it and saw that it was from no other then smileyjack534.

 "What do you want..." I muttered, scratching my head then clicking on the "ACCEPT" button. As soon as I did the messager popped up.

  smileyjack534 Says: lisa.

  lisaW272 Says: Hey, sorry, but I don't know you. You have the wrong Lisa.

  smileyjack534 Says: youre

  smileyjack534 Says: lisa.

  smileyjack534 Says: i love you.

  lisaW272 Says: Look, I really don't know you. I'm sure you're a nice guy but stop bothering me.

  smileyjack534 Says: i love you lisa

  smileyjack534 Says: i'm coming to you

  smileyjack534 Says: we can be together.

  lisaW272 Says: No, we can't.

  smileyjack534 Says: we can

  smileyjack534 Says: lisa.

  lisaW272 Says: Alright buddy, blocking you.

 I rolled my eyes and blocked him. Whoever his actual Lisa was, I felt bad for her. The guy was a little more then creepy. I logged off and set my laptop on the island. I rubbed my eyes and looked at the clock.

 11:53pm.

 I groaned and slid off my chair, grabbing the laptop and going back upstairs to my bedroom. I set the laptop back on my desk and stripped, changing into my pajamas and climbing into bed.

 Just as my head hit the pillow I heard the laptop chime again. I opened one eye and rolled it before turning over and going to sleep.

***

 My alarm clock's regular screech woke me up at 6:00am on the dot. I went through my usual schedule and changed into my jogging outfit before going downstairs and making a cup of coffee.

 I finished it a few minutes later and set the mug in the kitchen sink for later, then left through the front door and started jogging down the sidewalk.

 Early morning was the only time during the day when it wasn't scorching, and since no one left their house until 10:00 I had the path all to myself. I turned the corner and started making my way down to the beach where I usually stopped. The trip took roughly twenty minutes.

 When my favorite bench came into view I sped up then stopped to sit in it. The bench had a great view of the beach and if I turned around the sunrise would be in full view.

 I caught my breath and turned around, hugging the back of the bench to my chest and looking up at the horizon. It was orange-y red and the sun was just starting to peak up. After awhile I had to squint and looked away when it got too bright.

 I took a few more deep breaths then stood back up, stretching and getting ready to jog back. Just as I was about to take off I heard footsteps and turned around.

 "Lisa! I thought I'd never catch you!" Neil panted like he'd been running for days. I started laughing and he waved his hands irritably. "Go on! Keep laughing! At least I'm trying."

 I covered my mouth and let out a few stray chuckles before answering. "What are you doing out here? It's six in the morning!"

 He rolled his eyes and sat down on the bench, grabbing his jersey and fanning himself with the extra material. "I wanted to run with you, but clearly I can't keep up with Seabiscuit herself."

 I pat him on the back and sat next to him. "You could have just called. I would've come and picked you up myself."

 He let out a sarcastic cackle and shook his head. "Lisa please, you're draining my masculinity with every word."

 I rolled my eyes and rubbed his shoulders while he got ahold of his breathing. "Come on, you're the picture of masculinity. If we looked close I bet you've even grown a few chest hairs."

 He laughed and shook his head. "It doesn't matter how much body hair I have, because in the end nothing compares to Lisa Weyer. But at least I get to be the side-kick."

 "Oh, come on." I groaned, bringing him back up into a standing position with me. I flattened out his ruffled jersey and looked down at him. "You're here now, so why don't you come back home with me and have breakfest?"

 His face lit up and he looked around as if someone were listening, one brow quirked upwards. "Will there be... bacon?"

 "Yes, there will be bacon. Now come on!" I started jogging and he stumbled slightly before jogging after me.

 ***

 Neil and I had gone to the same schools ever since we were in kindergarden, but we'd never actually talked to each other until our Sophomore year in high school.

 Things started with a bang, to say the least. He was getting tossed into lockers and we met shortly after I gave his bully a mean right-hook. They'd been in the pool locker room and it was pure chance that I'd been in the next room changing.

 We started hanging out after that and I introduced him to my friends. Things went pretty smoothly, and for a guy that got picked on a lot, Neil was pretty positive. Exactly what I needed in life.

 Positivity aside, his sense of security was pretty messed up. It didn't take long for me to notice the extra flinches and over-the-shoulder looks he fleshed out through school, and eventually I asked him if he wanted to hang out with me at the gym.

 He said no, of course, but I knew he'd say that. After a week, he changed his mind and that's when we became work-out buddies. Neil wasn't exactly a fit guy, but not out of shape either. He was just someone who was right in-between. Thin, but no muscle.

 Originally, I wondered if the gym trips were even worth it, but after seeing him look more relaxed then he had in years changed my mind. He was a good guy, and I liked seeing him happy...

 ...Almost as happy as he looked while spinning in my dad's favorite chair.

 I rolled my eyes at him and went back to making our breakfest. Eggs, bacon, toaster waffles, the whole she-bang.

"This chair is amazing!" He called from the living room. "How fast do you think it can go?"

 "I don't know, but if it breaks I'm telling my dad it was you." I answered, flipping one of the eggs over.

 "Haha! I bet if I-" His voice cut out and I heard the chair squeak before a loud thud. I sighed and rolled my eyes.

 "Did you break it?"

 There was a few minutes of silence before he poked his head into the kitchen. "Nope. No, not at all. Everything's fine. I don't know why you'd think otherwise, because everything is perfect in there. By the way, uh, when does your dad get home?"

  I waved him off. "Oh for God's sake, just put it in the garage. I'll fix it later."

 He nodded quickly. "Yeah, okay, brilliant. I'll do that right now."

 He disappeared and I heard him wrestling with the chair before the garage door open. He appeared again a few minutes later and sat down at the island before letting out a big sigh. "Well I hope he never sees that."

 "Don't worry, he doesn't love it that much." I chuckled, taking the cooking pan off the stove and scooping a few eggs and bacon onto his plate. His face lit up again and he immediately started digging in. I gave myself the rest then sat down across from him.

 "So you want to hear something weird?" I asked, taking a sip of the milk we'd gotten out earlier.

 He looked up, answering with a full mouth of food. "What?"

 "Last night I got this weird email, and at first I thought it was just spam, but it was blank so I opened it, because why not? Nothing happened, but later on I got another one. And as it turns out, it was some guy's weird love letter to his girlfriend. I'll have to show it to you, because it was just so bizarre." I explained, finishing off one of the eggs.

 He took a big gulp of his orange juice then raised of his brows again. "Was it signed or anything? Or was it just blank?"

 I couldn't remember at first but then it came to me. "Jack. It was signed "jack." But that's not the weirdest part."

 He squinted. "What do you mean?"

 I chewed my bottom lip then thought of something. "Wait here, let me show you."

 I slipped away from the island and ran up to my room to grab the laptop. I grabbed it along with my cellphone before going back downstairs, slipping back into my chair and started it up.

 I pulled up the chat log and email from the computer's trash bin and handed the computer over to Neil. He squinted then started reading. By the time he finished and pulled back I could tell he was weirded out.

 "Jesus Christ." He yelped, pulling away from the screen.

 I frowned and took the computer back, but looked at him instead of the screen. "What?"

 "The chat log cut off so I went to your email to get the rest, and God! Look at that!" He pointed at the computer. I pulled the screen back and looked at my inbox.

 "Inbox (73)"

 All of them were from the same address. Smileyjack534@yahoo.com. Rows of emails with the same subject. "talk to me".

 "What's his problem?" I muttered, setting the computer on the island and running a hand through my hair.

"Jesus."

 Neil took the laptop and I saw him block the address and delete the emails before handing it back to me. "Well, that should take care of him. If he shows up again you should probably get a different account."

 I sighed. "It's not even creepy now, it's just annoying. But you're right. Let's just go watch a movie or something. My dad's going to be home soon and he'll probably stay out of the living room."

 I slid off the chair and walked into said room, riffling through our DVD racks. Neil followed, hunched against the wall.

 "Why should he stay out of the living room?" He asked, head tilted.

 I smirked and nodded towards the floor near my dad's desk where tiny bits of wood were still scattered around. "He'd probably notice the chair."

 ***

 Neil stayed most of the day and left around 5:00pm with my dad. It was fun having him around.

 The chair incident never came up, and when it was time to leave my dad gave Neil a lift on his way to work while I stayed at home, cleaning up the mess that accumulated through the day.

 As soon as everything was picked up and the living room looked at least semi-decent I grabbed my laptop and started chatting with various friends while the TV went on in the background.

 Luckily, there weren't any emails from what's-his-face, so a majority of the time I was enjoying myself. So much, in fact, I didn't think twice when a IM invite popped up at the corner of my screen and accepted it.

 Nothing popped up at first so I had a feeling it wasn't the same guy just using a different email. When nothing happened for the next fifteen minutes I just shrugged it off and continued chatting with my friends.

 Two hours passed and I started yawning, eyes sore and ready for bed. I closed up the conversations with the few people I was still talking to and waited a few more minutes in case the new person was going to say hello. I hovered over their user name with my mouse and read the email. cA_Condor@gmail.com.

 Just as I was closing out the window a chat screen opened.

   cA_Condor Says: Hello?

 My eyes widened and I leaned back into the couch, typing.

   lisaW272 Says: Hey. I'm sorry, I don't recognize your email. Do I know you?

   cA_Condor Says: No, we've never met before. I'm actually here because of a invite you may have received earlier.

 I quirked a brow and felt my jaw drop a little. Well, the conversation definitely took a turn I hadn't expected. I quickly typed down a response and waited for him to answer.

   lisaW272 Says: Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Listen, I don't know if he's a friend of yours or something, but please tell him to leave me alone.

   cA_Condor Says: He's a colleague of mine. Not a friend exactly, but he does tend to.. rant to me about a lot of things. Most of which I'd rather not hear. His interactions with you came up in a conversation earlier today and I wanted to apologize on his behalf.

   lisaW272 Says: It's fine, but I just don't want him bothering me anymore. I blocked him, so it should be okay.

   cA_Condor Says: I'm afraid to say that blocking him may not work. As demented as he is, Jack does posses a decent amount of intelligence. He may be able to get around it. If he does, please don't hesitate to contact me.

   lisaW272 Says: Damn. Well, you're in my contacts so I'll be sure to send you a message if he does. Also, if you don't mind me asking, how do you know him?

   cA_Condor Says: We were colleagues in school; while I was getting my medical degree. We've drifted since then, but do occasionally see each other. He usuallys stops by while I'm working to talk.

   lisaW272 Says: Oh, you're a doctor then? Neat. Well anyway, thanks for letting me know about this. Sorry to cut things short, but I have to get going.

   cA_Conder Says: Of course. Goodnight.

   lisaW272 Says: 'night.

 I logged off, feeling better but still weirded out.

 "Well, at least I have someone who knows him." I sighed. It was a small problem but the fact that it was fixed so fast was relieving.

 One less thing to worry about."

Wrecked Canvas

  When it comes to characters or stories, it seems like a lot of writer's end up wrecking the canvas. Not ruining it, but causing a little chaos. The usual way people develop characters is by growing them out of their problems and making them better people but I like to do it a different way. To me, breaking down a character over time is a much more interesting process.

 Building a character up to their peak and then tearing them down into something else. It's developing but in a more realistic way. Or at least that's my opinion. Not to mention it's much more interesting and rare to see a main character break down instead of grow.

 The only way I like to incorporate this in my stories is when the main character has grown to a certain point. When they're at their potential, so to speak, I've always had a habit of bringing them down again. Usually in horrible scenarios, but that's just the writer's way.

 Inverting the process is interesting to me, and in a way gives the author a better chance to show more angles of the character then before. How they react, how their personalities change, if new habits arise during their downfall... All of it, I think, helps develop the character even more. Even when they're falling.

 Like I said before, a lot of people grow their characters from the start and keep going. There's nothing wrong with this process, but as a reader I've never really felt concern over something that's happened to the character post-story. Say, if a story starts with a character who's parents are dead. I don't feel anything concerning them, it's just a fact. Now, if this character's parents died later in the story, I would be heartbroken and feel sad. It's all about when.

 Watching a character you've read about grow can be great. You feel happy for them and proud that they've come so far. Watching the same person deteriorate would be just the opposite. When it comes to writing, I've always felt that sad or ominous stories have a greater emotional toll, and in my writing I try to play on that as much as I can without over-doing it. Writing that can invoke emotions is the greatest kind, in my opinion.

- Laura. 

Perpetually Screaming

 Talking is one of the things I do best. I could go on for hours about different subjects, my stories, my political opinions, my sexuality, gender, anything really, you name it! It's all just pours out and sometimes I even make people laugh. I guess the reason why I talk so much is because there's always something to say, and I hate it when things aren't said. Sometimes all you need is a good conversation to liven things up!

 I've been wondering how that'll effect me in the fall when I go to high school. I'd like to think that I'll be able to talk as much as I want, especially with all the people around, but I have a feeling that people there aren't exactly interested in talking about the things I talk about. It's sad, especially because I know for a fact that no average kid my age would ever share the same interests. 

 Sexuality and school is another thing I've been thinking about. I honestly don't know how people would react to meeting someone pansexual and if they'd treat them negatively. But, it's not that I've been worried about. Honestly, I've been more worried about people salting me down to being bisexual, which is the most uncomfortable word in the world for me. I hate it, and to tag that on a pansexual is wrong. In my opinion. I know most pan people don't mind, but the idea really bothers me. 

 I like to think I'll be able to slip into my new life a bit more gracefully since I won't be the only new kid, but I'm still a bit worried. Still paranoid. It's frustrating because I can't really talk to anyone about my issues with school without them making too many assumptions. 

 Being home-schooled, well, I don't know what to say about it. No opinion really, but I hate two things about home-schoolers. 

1) When they think they're better then people who go to school. I swear to god, the whole "the world is your classroom and a actual classroom is just a cage blah blah" thing is the most frustrating thing in the world and those are the home-schoolers that give us the good name. The whole "holier-then-thou" routine is simply disgusting. I could go on about it forever. 

2) The home-schoolers who don't do anything. Literally, I will go on the record and say that parents who 'home-school' their kids but don't make them do any actual work should have their kids taken away from them. I don't care how much they 'learn' without lessons, it's wrong and you're letting them grow up ignorant and lazy. Education is just as important as food and water, and the home-schoolers that do this are literally the worst of our kind. 

 I just, bleh. I really hate it. I really do, and this is one of the things I feel so strongly about and I just hate it when I see situations like that. It's not just the parent's fault, sometimes it's the kids too, and when they have a combination of the two things mentioned above I just can't take it anymore. Luckily, I've managed to stay away from those categories, and I'm glad for that. 

 There are just so many things going on right now but so few, and the only thing I'm looking forward to is high school, and what little future it might give me. I get so wound up, so paranoid, and so angry about education that when I actually get out there and taste what the public gets then maybe I can appreciate myself a little more. 

 There are things about school I'm afraid of. Not bullies, poor lessons, or anything like that. It's the people I'm worried about. Not what they'll do to me, no, I'm afraid of becoming like the ones I've seen so far. I don't want to become like that, to loose everything I've build up. It's still shaky and I just have this feeling that once I go there everything I've learned the past few months will start to seem insignificant and I'll forget it all. 

 Perpetually screaming, that's me, only with the exception of it being mental. But I'm not complaining, there's no point in that. Sometimes you just have to roll with it, have a good laugh, and let it all go. In the end, that's all you really can do. 

-Laura. 

Flipping Through Life Like a Blind Cow

 Funnily enough, I'm actually getting around to that "personal update" post I mentioned earlier! Now that I've thought about it awhile, I'm semi-ready to jot some stuff down and give the few viewers present a good old fashioned teen-angst post. 

 Life. Ah, life, life, life. Sometimes it's quiet for good reasons and sometimes it's absolute dead silence, which tends to be a bit more eerie then the first. At the moment, the best way to describe me would be spiritually dead.  No inspiration, no wanting, nothing. A blank slate, basically. And being in that state of mind is more disruptive then you might think!

 

 I like to think I'm at the semi-point in life where I've backed myself into a corner and there are only two doors, and if I don't pick one the room I'm hiding in will slowly suffocate me. The thing is, I don't know what either door represents, so honestly, I have no idea what I'm choosing or what I'd be leaving. If any of that analogy makes since, +5 points to you. 

 Being spiritually dead is pretty boring. Maybe I'll find religion in the meantime! Or, you know, think about those two doors I mentioned earlier. It's hard solving a problem when you don't really view it as a problem. I wouldn't call it being depressed, because if anything I don't feel sad. Just neutral, which is boring. And when you're bored the easiest thing to default to is anger. 

 Surprisingly I haven't resorted to that, which only makes things worse. I'm not lonely either, which is also surprising because contrary to what most people think, I love socializing. That said, I do feel a tiny feeling that makes me want to have a companion present. 

 Two doors. A good analogy, but I'm already getting tired of it. Too much "hoodoo spiritual words that are trying to hard to be deep" going on. Sigh. Ugh, that's what I hate about being in this state of mind. Everything is boring and I just end up irritating myself. I just feel like I'm on a big cliff just waiting for something big to happen so I can give all my attention to it. 

 Something new, that's what I need. Sometime fresh that's actually positive in nature. 'Haven't had something like that in at least a year now. I could handle it, but the question is, what could that new thing be? Fresh, fresh, fresh. God I haven't had a fresh thing happen in my life for years now. 

 It could definitely get me out of my funk, especially since my "fighting-bears-under-waterfalls-while-meditating-in-my-mind-dojo" thing. Who knows, since I've straightened myself out maybe the world will be better this time. After all, no one's seen me yet. Maybe I'll finally get that one friend I've always wanted. 

 Fresh. Not a fresh start, or "new beginning". No, fuck that. That's not what I need. I know exactly what I need now, what a look in the soul this update has been. Hmm. I think I know what door to take, but whoa now it's going to be a change of pace. 

 With that said, even though they'll never see it, I wanna give a shout-out to my friend for setting me on this pace. One sentence! One sentence was all it took for them to shake me out of it and make me take this mini-path in the first place. I mean god damn. What a friend!

 -Laura. 

Writing Tips

 Over the past few years I've been writing I've seen a lot of  different ways people tell stories, and a lot of ways that are just incorrect, in my opinion. Ever since I started writing I've changed my style, and right now I'm not particularly happy with it, but still, I try to stick to some basic rules.

 1. Adjectives are your friends, but give them space and don't use twenty in the same sentence. Description is good but for the love of god sometimes you just need to say it and stop adding all the flourish. Honestly, it's more irritating then you'd think.

 I used to go crazy with them in my old stories and fanfictions. It was a nut house, and when young writers (and old ones!) do that it spells "BAD WRITER" in big bold letters. All in all, keep it cool because sometimes simplicity is your friend! Description is key in a story and painting a picture in the reader's mind is the goal, but they don't need to know the exact color of curtains and it's ethnicity in one paragraph.

 2. Mary-Sues are not your friends. A writer's worst fear, and rightfully so. If you have a Mary-Sue, it doesn't matter how great of a writer you are, because in the end it will bring you down and keep going until you've reached the fires of hell. There are so many ways you can have a Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu, and honestly it would take a entire other post to go over the guidelines of how not to make one, but if you're a writer then I'm sure you already have a good idea of what they are.

 Anyway, if you do have a Mary-Sue, then it's time to cancel all plans on writing because you have work to do! Character re-evaluation is the key, and if you don't have time to do that, then writing is not the thing for you. Sometimes you just have to wipe the whole slat clean, but trust me, in the end it's probably going to be better then what you started with.

 3. Stick to the basics and get to the point. When writing, try not to use over-complicated words that'll confuse your readers. You don't want them to have to pause and go look at a dictionary in the middle of a chapter. What a lot of fanfiction writer's (from what I've seen) seem to do, and in some cases actual celebrity writers (see: Stephanie Meyer) is use words that flourish everything and make it way too complicated. So, when I'm writing I always try to keep to the basics!

 4. Don't stall. If you're writing a story and there's a small hole between major story points, don't bullshit it and make some boring little in-between thing. If a scene has absolutely no point other then to 1) have two characters "develop" together in-between major plot points, 2) stall the story and then have something happen to introduce the next arc, 3) small scenes where friends go to the mall/cafe/shopping or anything that seems absolutely pointless.

  Now, if you actually have something plot developing and the "in-between" is actually purposefully put in the story, by all means, go right ahead! But if it's not necessary, don't add it!

 Those are the four major things I try to keep in mind while writing, because no matter what form I'm trying, those are my own little golden rules. There are so many other little tiny things here and there, but honestly, what's the point at being nitpicky? Of course there are different types of styles, but just because different styles exist, that doesn't excuse bad writing, and you can't just pass it off as "your style."

 I don't think I said it before, but I'm sorry if I was a bit blunt here! Writing is close to my heart and I've become quite a bit of a critique. Haha, well, I think I'll try writing up a person update post later today, just to keep everyone up-to-date with how my life is and how things are. Honestly though, it all depends on whether or not I'll be awake! I've been having some problems with sleeping.

 - Laura.

Four Stories

1. When I was little, around two or so, we (my family) used to have dinner at my grandparent's house. One time when we were having dinner I apparently dropped my fork, and right after dropping it I yelled "God dammit!". My older sister also apparently was in a situation like that but instead of yelling that she said "Fuck!"

 2. I wrote my first story when I was around ten. It was a vampire-romance that started out with two lesbians (one human, one vampire) who were on the run but after some re-arranging I ended up giving them each a respective boyfriend (one werewolf, one vampire). I wrote 193 pages before losing it to a computer crash.

 3. Since I first started collecting, I've gathered $620 worth of manga and have 66 books of various series (all of this not including merc and video). It's completely ironic because I actually have a deep-seeded hate of most manga and can barely stand to look at it anymore, much less get through an issue in one sitting. (I literally just spent 30mins going through my stuff and adding everything up for this, lol)

 4. I used to have a pair of friends who were brothers, and occasionally we would wrestle. I've always liked messing around, and even though it was obvious I could handle them we still went at it a lot. One time when they both came at me the same time, I accidentally tossed one over my shoulder and he hurt his. Now, of course his brother was laughing like no tomorrow, and the one I threw down had a lot of "man grit", if you know what I mean, and went after his brother. To say the least, it when down a bit quirkily.

 While the laughing one ran away, his brother chased after him, pulled down his pants and then they fought each other in their boxers. In a public park.

4:14:47am

 Honestly I don't feel like typing right now. I just want to go to bed and try to start the day and not feel the way my torso is feeling right now. Which is nothing. Literally, i don't feel anything right now other then my dear old friend called Isolation.

 Tomorrow I'm going to help my mom get settled into her new apartment/house. I don't even know. I really honestly don't know how I feel about it and the only thing that's going through my head in big bright bold lettering is "ALONE". And god fucking dammit I swear to god I don't need that right now.

 I don't want to be conscious. Not because I'm angry or sad but because I literally can't seem to assign a feeling to this situation. I don't know how I feel and it's toture and the only thing I want to do is go to bed because there is no point in being concious right now.

 It was okay earlier and I was fine but now it's just weird and I really hate it and everything has seemed so ridiculous lately and I just want everything to STOP for ONE SECOND and let me ajust before launching another canon-ball at me.

 It's going to be okay, I know that, but it's not and I just want everyone to be happy but at the same time I don't want to lose my mom even if it's only during the nighttime because then we don't get to do any of the things we used to do like watch bad tvs shows in the iddle of the night and she won't be here to catch me while I'm up late at night or tell me to do the dishes or do my homework and any of the other things.

 i just don't know how to deal with this because I don't need to vent or anything because I'm not angry. I'm just upset a but at the same time I'm not sad either? I just want to be distracted but all of a sudden everything looks different and I'm realizing that she's not going to live with us anymore and even though she'll be here durin the day she won't be here when I go to bed, or when I leave for school in the morning and she won't be here and she won't be able to talk to be or notice when I'm sad because she'ls going to be gone and I don't want to handle it.

 i just don't want to be ablone. i hate being alone and how am I going to get by if I only see my mom during the day and everything is falling apart and I just won't do anything useful because I honestly don't see the point anymore? when i get up in the morning there isn't any reason why and at this point I'm just sca i'm not even scared i'm just god it's just terrible and I don't know what to do becasue there's technically no problem?

i just don't know and honestly i just want to go to sleep right now so bye