Rodeo

Ahhh, so it's finally rodeo weekend and it's so nice to finally have a break. Especially cause I get to go hiking and filming + a mall trip with my friend. A three-day school week isn't too bad either, omg. Oh the downside, next monday I have my Reading/Writing AIMS. My honors teacher seemed pretty confident about me doing well, but I'm still p nervous. I want to get a 6 and possibly get a scholarship, and to do that I really have to get creative with the essay.

Other than that, I wanted to kind of make this a mental health update. I don't know how everything's going really, it's been pretty wonky lately. My anger issues have been picking up, but in a way its reasonable because there have been a lot of stupid crossing into my life. So, lots o anger/irritation. I've also been wanting to be alone a lot more lately? Like, I have my group of friends that I love, and my best friend who I adore, but some other ones are just killing me cause we're too different.

It's nice though because I've been making new friends, but right now I really just want May to be here so I can get out of this state. The wait is killing me, and I really want to get out to NY and DC.

My anxiety has been down a lot lately, and I think I'm on the verge of being a lot more confident. Last night I was reading some stuff and it made me realize that I have one life, and what's life without a few regrets? I think finding a channel to plug my frustration into would be healthy. There's football and wrestling at my highschool (for everyone) and I've been thinking about wrestling for a really long time. That, or maybe running. Just something I can vent through without thinking much. I think I can do it, and if not through sports, painting. Since last year I've been getting more and more into it, and I think I'm finally going to start doing canvas work this month.

This has been an update;

Ciao!

Queer Dancing Baby

First month of 2014 and things have been pretty interesting! I spent New Years at the mall with friends and ended the day by breaking my toe on our living room couch (I literally stubbed my toe so hard I broke it what the heckie). I got some new stuff for my room including a really nice Game of Thrones poster and some new clothes/jewelry.

There's been a lotta drama at school, especially centered around my group of friends. They all have this ridiculous three-way friendship going on with each other and it's gotten pretty confusing. Other than that, school itself has gotten really stressful. I got my certificate for Semester 1 Honor Roll, which I'm really proud of, and an invitation to join the National Honors Society. NHS is stressing me out because of the tough entry requirements but it is something I'd really like to be a part of... Ug. The third thing is our school Newspaper. My English teacher asked me to join and do articles, but it involves talking to strangers and being really outgoing. I can already see the panic attacks on the horizon, and I can't refuse because I'm such a people pleaser and I will hate myself if I say no. On the bright side, at least it will look good on my resume,,,

The best event though was last night!!! Last night my school had our Winter Formal (a dance) and I went with my friend and we had a blast. It went from 8pm-11pm and I was ecstatic. I got a new dress and tights for it and ended up looking pretty cute! The dress was probably the shortest thing I've ever worn, but the tights made it work. Plus the high waistline made my chest look good (something petty I tend to stress over omg). The heels I had were killer tho, and after the first hour my feet were dying. The music was so fun too, and they played things like Gundam Style and Gaspedal (which was so fun to dance to I stg). For the slow-dance they even played one of my favorite songs - "Don't wanna miss a Thing" - and I danced with my friend to it.

It was also really nice because the Friday before I'd spent the night at my other friends house. The next morning we went to an event for our Culinary club and helped make the food.

But I think the thing I'm looking forward to most is tomorrow, which is when I may get questions about slow-dancing with my friend during the romantic songs. We know it was platonic, but it might've sent some red flags to them cause they have no idea I'm not straight. I guess it would be nice tho to come out without having to actually to say so.

If they ask what my sexuality is, it's gonna be confusing. I know 100% that I'm not straight because I have literally never identified as such and the idea is crazy to me. Over the years I've ID'd as pansexual, but now I'm not sure. It doesn't sit quite right with me anymore and I'm not sure why. Lately I've just been saying "Queer" cause it's easier than saying "Girls are always good - no matter what - and so is everyone else on the gender binary, but boys are hit or miss." Like, I see boys that I'm legit attracted to and would date, but it's so rare. Basically, Queer is how I roll, and I guess that's what I'll say. Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and find other Queer girls.

Christmas!!

Christmas this year was absolutely fantastic! The whole family, even though we're pretty small, got together and had Christmas dinner and exchanged presents. A few days before we all celebrated my cousins birthday too, which was also fun.

I've been able to get everyone some neat presents. I made cute little candy boxes for my friends and school and more elaborate stuff for closer friends & family. I've been doing a ton with my acrylic paints and modelling clay lately. Some of it has turned out really well too! For one of my friends I made a little Loki (from the Avengers) helmet. It turned out quite good. The presents I got were also fantastic! Some video games, new perfume, and a bunch of artist supplies.

Also on Christmas eve we went to this really special neighborhood in town where they decorate like crazy and have beautiful lights. We all packed in the car with pillows and blankets and drove through it. I really enjoyed it because it was the first Christmas in years where we were all happy and it really felt like the holidays. Tomorrow will be even more awesome cause my friend is coming over for a sleepover (my wife basically) and then we're going to the movies on Friday.

This week and the next will also be good for body adjustments. My sister just got her new snakebite piercings to match her brow and I'm going to get my hair done to match my new goal I have a piercing of my own now too (forgot to mention!!). Nose stud, nothing too exciting but the ring will come later. (in the middle, gold for sure). She got a new laptop so today we took our first conjoined selfie (my sister on the left and me on the right)

So fierce

NaNoWriMo 2013

I just finished my my first 50,000 words in NaNoWriMo (the title was Gold, and I ended with 91 pages), and I don't know why, but I almost feel somber about it. Like, looking back at the story I really enjoyed it a lot and I plan to finish it, definitely, because I need to see how it ends. Writing it was like an adventure, and I guess I'm sad because I know I'll be leaving those parts of me behind in the coming months because there's no official motivation or clock I need to keep up with.

I might continue it next NaNo, as the second part to the first novel, but in a way that's too long. I feel really emotionally involved with this story and that's one of the reasons I feel sad about finishing. Sure, it's really awesome I'm done and all, I'm so glad I did it, but still. It's so fresh in my mind I don't know how to accurately describe what's happening.

I'm getting all emotional about my characters, even the little minor ones, because it is a tragic story and what's happened to them is only just now sinking in. It seems all horrible and fun when you first write it, but then it sinks in and you realize what you've done to these imaginary people. They're like my kids, and I just want them to be happy but in some cases, that's just not how the story goes.

Bad things happen and you can't let those things go without repercussion, one because that's bad writing, and two because that's not how people are. I know some people might think it's weird to feel bad over something fictional, but hey, if you're a writer, I'm sure you know how I feel.

These are just the thoughts that have been rolling around in my head since I finished about an hour ago, and maybe they'll wear off soon, but until then, I'm going to continue planning out how to finish this story. The first 50k only covered 1/3 of it, so it's my pleasure to finish it in the months to come. I want to flesh out these characters and get to know them better, dive deeper, and, I swear to god, plan a way for some of them to make it through the struggles with only mild wounds.

Smartical Barnicle Trash

I'm smart. Yeah, by itself that can sound pretty arrogant/self-absorbed, but really, it's not. It is ok to acknowledge your good traits! And one of mine is being smart. I do well in school, I have a GPA of 4, I do my best to help others, and I try my best to be a good student.

Overall, sounds good yeah? wELP.

I have severe anxiety. I mean, it's really unhealthy. A portion of it is social (Ex. Tuesday I had to go to a club meeting by myself and felt so anxious it made me physically sick), some just unexplained attacks, and another comes from expectations/perceptions of me.

Another example is my Honors English class. I have an A in that class and I usually do fairly good! But there are times when I get a project back and it's not 100% - when that happens I literally feel like trash. Like from that point on the teacher will look at me (even if it's something stupid like a 45/50) and think I'm stupid.

If I get a quiz back in biology with a 11/14 I literally want to kill myself because I feel like such a massive failure. To everyone else it's totally over exaggerating because they think it's perfectly fine, and if it was anyone else I'd say it was too! But because it's me it's trash, and basically the equivalent of an F.

I can't ask teachers questions or get help from them because I feel like if I do they'll think I'm stupid. Even if it is their job and I know they always want to help! My grades are such a huge anxiety to me I don't even know how to handle it sometimes.

Another part of being smart is having people copy off of you.

The worst I've ever had this in is my Biology class. People in the immediate area (my friends and a few acquaintances I've known since last year) copy about 98% of what I do. Bellwork? Copied. Packets? Copied. Lab Books? You guessed it - motherfuckin' copied. At first I was ok with this because hey - they're my friends! I don't want them to fail.

But it's been 3 months, and at this point they don't even ask anymore. One of my "friends" literally turns around from in front of me, grabs my packet WHILE I'M STILL WRITING, and begins to copy. No asking, nothing. And she's rude about it too! When I ask for it back so I can at least finish the work we're supposed to be turning in, she gets snippy! "Whatever, just hurry". Bitch, I will take my sweet time!

So tomorrow, being the last day of the quarter, I have a plan to sabotage them. My one good friend in that class (who always asks, and is genuinely sincere in her thanks when she needs help/to copy) is in on it. I will literally feed half the class bogus answers and watch them burn as they turn in work. It will be beautiful.

This has been my rant. (◡‿◡✿)

/laura out

Psyche Evaluation #1 (2012-2013)

  This year's mental progress report! Essentially, and as I've mentioned before, I like to keep my thoughts here and at this time I think it's time to record how I feel about myself personally since 2012 began last year. I've changed quite a bit in that time. 

Beginning of 2012 is when I had gone through one of my biggest physiological reevaluations (from the year 2010-2011) and reached a good mental health. My depression, I had gradually let go of a majority of the trust issues I gained from past friendships and the general (this is not an exaggeration) blood-thirsty demeanor I took on when I thought of certain people subsided. New year, fresh start!

I made a lot of really amazing friends my Freshman year and I really came out of my shell and was able to talk about my own interests. It was a much healthier environment and  I became more social as the year went on. There were dips with my depression in those times but they were nowhere near as destructive as they had been in 2011. 

In December 2012 I began to get a lot of anxiety caused by one of my male friends who I'd become very close to. We never had, and still do not, have a healthy relationship with each other. I had romantic feelings for him, and paired with his own clinical depression, it has never been a good match. I still have some serious anxiety when it comes to our relationship, but for the majority it's something I'm able to forget most of the time. This extends into the next school year (August 2023) as far as my mental state. 

From this school year so far: I honestly have come to a very awesome state of mind. I feel totally comfortable with my body, sexuality (do not even ask me I swear to-) and personality. I am comfortable expressing my opinions and do so often, and have developed a 2-Chance No Bullshit system of friendship that I stick to fervently. It has paid off well and I have surrounded myself with some really awesome people!

I think that my mental state is possibly the best it's been, especially with a new event. I've reconnected with a dear old friend, and honestly, I think that's been the base of my recent euphoria. It makes me incredibly happy that we could both be adults and come back together - because she was such an awesome friend and the circumstances in which we part were more than unfavorable. It has added to my positivity and it means I only have more awesome people around me. 

I have developed a roller-costing social anxiety with certain situations, however. It usually occurs when in new situations or at times when I'm uncomfortable with my environment or the people around me. There are times when it is mentally taxing for me to go to school or interact with the people around me. On those days I have a special word (Watermelon) so I can tell the people around me why I seem different. In other situations I cannot order my own food at restaurants. I then get extremely mad when people announce that it is my order when they do so for me. In those times I think I'm trying to become invisible because I feel more comfortable watching (as if invisible).

There are no other forces of anxiety or negativity in my life, other than the one male friend (who I do still care about because he's a nice guy). With him, I don't know what I'll do. Lately I've been doing my best to give him firm advice when he slips into depression (which is always). When we talk about a physical future together it makes me extremely uncomfortable, but this is something I think I will work out the next time it arises. Because I know I don't deserve to feel that way, or him make me. 

Also, another source of good mental health has been my own comfortability with my sexuality and the acceptance from the people around me. I can now be a free Queer and live amongst my brethren!

I know a  lot of this information has been said before, but I prefer to have an official post I can look to instead of slipping through random entries. Convenience is key, my friends. 

So, this has been a Psyche report!