Christmas!!

Christmas this year was absolutely fantastic! The whole family, even though we're pretty small, got together and had Christmas dinner and exchanged presents. A few days before we all celebrated my cousins birthday too, which was also fun.

I've been able to get everyone some neat presents. I made cute little candy boxes for my friends and school and more elaborate stuff for closer friends & family. I've been doing a ton with my acrylic paints and modelling clay lately. Some of it has turned out really well too! For one of my friends I made a little Loki (from the Avengers) helmet. It turned out quite good. The presents I got were also fantastic! Some video games, new perfume, and a bunch of artist supplies.

Also on Christmas eve we went to this really special neighborhood in town where they decorate like crazy and have beautiful lights. We all packed in the car with pillows and blankets and drove through it. I really enjoyed it because it was the first Christmas in years where we were all happy and it really felt like the holidays. Tomorrow will be even more awesome cause my friend is coming over for a sleepover (my wife basically) and then we're going to the movies on Friday.

This week and the next will also be good for body adjustments. My sister just got her new snakebite piercings to match her brow and I'm going to get my hair done to match my new goal I have a piercing of my own now too (forgot to mention!!). Nose stud, nothing too exciting but the ring will come later. (in the middle, gold for sure). She got a new laptop so today we took our first conjoined selfie (my sister on the left and me on the right)

So fierce

NaNoWriMo 2013

I just finished my my first 50,000 words in NaNoWriMo (the title was Gold, and I ended with 91 pages), and I don't know why, but I almost feel somber about it. Like, looking back at the story I really enjoyed it a lot and I plan to finish it, definitely, because I need to see how it ends. Writing it was like an adventure, and I guess I'm sad because I know I'll be leaving those parts of me behind in the coming months because there's no official motivation or clock I need to keep up with.

I might continue it next NaNo, as the second part to the first novel, but in a way that's too long. I feel really emotionally involved with this story and that's one of the reasons I feel sad about finishing. Sure, it's really awesome I'm done and all, I'm so glad I did it, but still. It's so fresh in my mind I don't know how to accurately describe what's happening.

I'm getting all emotional about my characters, even the little minor ones, because it is a tragic story and what's happened to them is only just now sinking in. It seems all horrible and fun when you first write it, but then it sinks in and you realize what you've done to these imaginary people. They're like my kids, and I just want them to be happy but in some cases, that's just not how the story goes.

Bad things happen and you can't let those things go without repercussion, one because that's bad writing, and two because that's not how people are. I know some people might think it's weird to feel bad over something fictional, but hey, if you're a writer, I'm sure you know how I feel.

These are just the thoughts that have been rolling around in my head since I finished about an hour ago, and maybe they'll wear off soon, but until then, I'm going to continue planning out how to finish this story. The first 50k only covered 1/3 of it, so it's my pleasure to finish it in the months to come. I want to flesh out these characters and get to know them better, dive deeper, and, I swear to god, plan a way for some of them to make it through the struggles with only mild wounds.

Smartical Barnicle Trash

I'm smart. Yeah, by itself that can sound pretty arrogant/self-absorbed, but really, it's not. It is ok to acknowledge your good traits! And one of mine is being smart. I do well in school, I have a GPA of 4, I do my best to help others, and I try my best to be a good student.

Overall, sounds good yeah? wELP.

I have severe anxiety. I mean, it's really unhealthy. A portion of it is social (Ex. Tuesday I had to go to a club meeting by myself and felt so anxious it made me physically sick), some just unexplained attacks, and another comes from expectations/perceptions of me.

Another example is my Honors English class. I have an A in that class and I usually do fairly good! But there are times when I get a project back and it's not 100% - when that happens I literally feel like trash. Like from that point on the teacher will look at me (even if it's something stupid like a 45/50) and think I'm stupid.

If I get a quiz back in biology with a 11/14 I literally want to kill myself because I feel like such a massive failure. To everyone else it's totally over exaggerating because they think it's perfectly fine, and if it was anyone else I'd say it was too! But because it's me it's trash, and basically the equivalent of an F.

I can't ask teachers questions or get help from them because I feel like if I do they'll think I'm stupid. Even if it is their job and I know they always want to help! My grades are such a huge anxiety to me I don't even know how to handle it sometimes.

Another part of being smart is having people copy off of you.

The worst I've ever had this in is my Biology class. People in the immediate area (my friends and a few acquaintances I've known since last year) copy about 98% of what I do. Bellwork? Copied. Packets? Copied. Lab Books? You guessed it - motherfuckin' copied. At first I was ok with this because hey - they're my friends! I don't want them to fail.

But it's been 3 months, and at this point they don't even ask anymore. One of my "friends" literally turns around from in front of me, grabs my packet WHILE I'M STILL WRITING, and begins to copy. No asking, nothing. And she's rude about it too! When I ask for it back so I can at least finish the work we're supposed to be turning in, she gets snippy! "Whatever, just hurry". Bitch, I will take my sweet time!

So tomorrow, being the last day of the quarter, I have a plan to sabotage them. My one good friend in that class (who always asks, and is genuinely sincere in her thanks when she needs help/to copy) is in on it. I will literally feed half the class bogus answers and watch them burn as they turn in work. It will be beautiful.

This has been my rant. (◡‿◡✿)

/laura out

Psyche Evaluation #1 (2012-2013)

  This year's mental progress report! Essentially, and as I've mentioned before, I like to keep my thoughts here and at this time I think it's time to record how I feel about myself personally since 2012 began last year. I've changed quite a bit in that time. 

Beginning of 2012 is when I had gone through one of my biggest physiological reevaluations (from the year 2010-2011) and reached a good mental health. My depression, I had gradually let go of a majority of the trust issues I gained from past friendships and the general (this is not an exaggeration) blood-thirsty demeanor I took on when I thought of certain people subsided. New year, fresh start!

I made a lot of really amazing friends my Freshman year and I really came out of my shell and was able to talk about my own interests. It was a much healthier environment and  I became more social as the year went on. There were dips with my depression in those times but they were nowhere near as destructive as they had been in 2011. 

In December 2012 I began to get a lot of anxiety caused by one of my male friends who I'd become very close to. We never had, and still do not, have a healthy relationship with each other. I had romantic feelings for him, and paired with his own clinical depression, it has never been a good match. I still have some serious anxiety when it comes to our relationship, but for the majority it's something I'm able to forget most of the time. This extends into the next school year (August 2023) as far as my mental state. 

From this school year so far: I honestly have come to a very awesome state of mind. I feel totally comfortable with my body, sexuality (do not even ask me I swear to-) and personality. I am comfortable expressing my opinions and do so often, and have developed a 2-Chance No Bullshit system of friendship that I stick to fervently. It has paid off well and I have surrounded myself with some really awesome people!

I think that my mental state is possibly the best it's been, especially with a new event. I've reconnected with a dear old friend, and honestly, I think that's been the base of my recent euphoria. It makes me incredibly happy that we could both be adults and come back together - because she was such an awesome friend and the circumstances in which we part were more than unfavorable. It has added to my positivity and it means I only have more awesome people around me. 

I have developed a roller-costing social anxiety with certain situations, however. It usually occurs when in new situations or at times when I'm uncomfortable with my environment or the people around me. There are times when it is mentally taxing for me to go to school or interact with the people around me. On those days I have a special word (Watermelon) so I can tell the people around me why I seem different. In other situations I cannot order my own food at restaurants. I then get extremely mad when people announce that it is my order when they do so for me. In those times I think I'm trying to become invisible because I feel more comfortable watching (as if invisible).

There are no other forces of anxiety or negativity in my life, other than the one male friend (who I do still care about because he's a nice guy). With him, I don't know what I'll do. Lately I've been doing my best to give him firm advice when he slips into depression (which is always). When we talk about a physical future together it makes me extremely uncomfortable, but this is something I think I will work out the next time it arises. Because I know I don't deserve to feel that way, or him make me. 

Also, another source of good mental health has been my own comfortability with my sexuality and the acceptance from the people around me. I can now be a free Queer and live amongst my brethren!

I know a  lot of this information has been said before, but I prefer to have an official post I can look to instead of slipping through random entries. Convenience is key, my friends. 

So, this has been a Psyche report!

Torso Bursting

  Ah yes, so my Sophomore year of high school has started! Three weeks in and things have been very fun. My new classes are pretty neat and so far I'm really appreciating that I joined my Honors classes in preparation for AP. I have to say though, at first taking higher up classes really scared me because I didn't know if I was capable or not. My English Honors was the one I was most afraid for - but it ended up being right at (if not below slightly?) my level. My other classes have been quite the experience too.

1st- Audio/Visual Media
2nd- Culinary Arts
3rd- Biology
4th- History (My top favorite class of all time. Thinking of Majoring in it because honestly, for me it's just like being told stories. Really inspirational stuff!)
5th- English
6th- Geometry.

 So far I think my top 3 classes are History, Biology, and Geometry. All very fun. I really do enjoy learning, and I know a lot of people think it's weird that I have that opinion of school. I hold a lot of respect for teachers and what they do - hell, they're literally carrying the next generations. So I always try to do my best whilst on my own personal quest for knowledge.

 The only major setback has been with friends! I only have one class with my dearest friend, which had been a big bummer for us both, and none with my friend T. Now, usually that wouldn't bother me, but I had been in the process of wooing T so you can see how that would make things difficult. 

Romantically speaking, things have been all over the place with me. In fact, something huge happened the first freakin' week of school. As I said above, I was interested in my friend T. 'Had been since the 2nd semester of my Freshman year. I was even going to ask him out. But. My second dearest friend, F. (lets use vague letters so in case they ever see this I won't be foiled)

 Ok, so let's me real. I adored him from day 1 when we were introduced. We literally talked every day and the first thing I thought was "wow what a nice". He and my other good friend made me feel super at home with my new life at school. So he and I became incredibly close all throughout Freshman year. We texted for hours, and literally had 4 hour phone calls. He was my best friend - possibly the closest person I've been to in years. And it was mutual. Honestly, I never really openly accepted that I liked him until the end of the year. I had been helping him with his girl troubles all year - giving him advice and doing my best to help him get someone. So - end of the year. Summer starts.

 Also- should put in that we had discussed a FWB situation around Christmas but never went through with it.

 But yes, summer. He was going out-of-state to his dads so I only got to see him once. I went to his house and we hung, and then, at the very very end when we were getting ready to go he asked me if I wanted to kiss. Now, the sudden situation made me very cautious so I stayed seated and questioned whether or not he really wanted to (if he was sure, etc). He ended up backing out. So things went on. The second I got home I literally wanted to punch myself because wow, I could have kissed him.

 He leaves the state. Summer rolls by, and he tells me he's going to stay with his dad because of a family situation. I was literally heartbroken, something I'm sure he still doesn't know. In the month following our relationship spikes dramatically. He says he's starting to like me, and that at multiple intervals during Freshman year he did too. I confess and tell him I liked him the first few months of our friendship (too scared to tell him I liked him the entire time). I told him I liked him currently. He was still processing. He ended up dating someone for a few weeks long-distance, but they broke up for that reason.

 At that time school was beginning and he told me he was coming back into AZ for a day to collect his things. I was extremely happy. Second day of school was when he was supposed to come. Around 5-6PM to hang out with me and our dear mutual friend. The drive ended up taking a whole hell of a lot longer, so we dispersed and went home for the night because none of us thought we'd be able to meet up. So I'm sitting at home, it's 10:30PM, and I get a text from him saying he's in town. Now, I was already feeling wretched because I thought I wouldn't be able to see him, so we worked a plan out. 10:30 at night, me and my sister are in the car driving down to a Walmart 20 miles away while his parents make a pit stop.

 We get there and hang out for thirty minutes or so, but my sister has to get home quick. The entire time him and I are trying to get away from our sisters and it feels hopeless. He walks us back to our car in the parking lot and my sister gets in while we chat behind the car.

 Now, I've probably never been so frozen in my life. The two of us awkwardly stood there chewing our lips and chucking. He starts scooting closer so in my head I'm going "do "  but I'm still nervous. Then he said "Come here" and I don't know. I just stopped and we both hugged (only the second time we ever did). And I just wanted to keep him there and bury my head in his neck and not move because I knew he was going. But after a moment or two I pulled my head back and we kissed.

 It was simple. Short. He really did have incredibly soft lips.

 For me, doing that was saying goodbye. We aren't going to see each other again until Christmas, and he has a girlfriend at home. I'm in the process of letting go. But for me, that was the curtain call.

I think the greatest part of this school year was being able to hold and kiss my favorite boy in a Walmart parking lot.

 I profusely apologize for being so sappy and bringing the mood down. Honestly, I've trailed off quite a bit. But this was an important moment in my life, and this is my blog. So you can see how those two would piece together.

Adeu, and thanks for reading!

-L.

End of First High School Semester

    My Freshman year in high school officially ended May 23rd, 2013. I can proudly say that it was a ridiculously  good year and that I'm super excited for my Sophomore year. I think it's safe for me to say that this was the best year of my life so far - because of all the new things I got to experience, a ton of new friends, and a ton of new knowledge in my head.

 I know a lot of people hate school because of the classes (having t pay attention, listening, stuff like that) but I really and thoroughly enjoyed it. I learned things while I was homeschooled, a lot of things. But things that would not prepare me for the world. Going to school and sitting through classes, learning all these new things  was enlightening. As I've said before, and is my personal mantra, "Education is as important as food and water". (I immediately have a huge problem with you if you don't think education is important)

 Luckily for me, even though I was at a disadvantage, my classes came easily and I got to steal a "A" grade-level average   and a 3.67 GPA (next year I will get either a 3.8 or 4, I swear to god) this semester and last. My biggest weakness is definitely Math.

 After everything that happened this last school year I think next year will be even better. Of course it's a scary thought - there's going to be new pressures - but I'm looking forward to meeting more people and having my new classes. Another thing that I'll have to think about are careers. I think that if you identify a rough area you plan to work in and start working towards it at a young age you'll be a lot more likely to have success. Oh, and something else really neat, I'll be driving in November. (going to literally kill everyone on the road and kidnap all of my friends)

 With all that said in overview, I think this post is done. Hopefully something blog-worthy will happen soon! I will update as such happens.

Adieu,

L.

Highschool? What??

Jesus Christ on a stick guys, it's been awhile. I mean good lord the last time I updated this was in July! JULY! That's too long. But! Now I'm inspired to pick things up where I left off and try to update at least once a month. Right now I think I'll take things simple and start from where things really started to kick off since last year: Highschool.

August 6th, 2012. My first day of high school and I can honestly say I wasn't nervous! I had new hair, no baggage and honestly I was ready to get out into the world. That, I'm happy to say, has definitely  happened. For the first semester I had the greatest classes in the world - fun subjects, teachers, classmates, everything really! Here's what the schedule was.

1st - Algebra 1
2nd - Integrated Science
3rd - Fundamentals of Audio/Visual Media
4th - English
Lunch
5th - Fundamentals of Culinary Arts
6th - P.E

My electives (P.E, Culinary, Audio/Visual) are definitely the funnest classes. I really loved Culinary and AV the most though, because the teachers were absolutely top notch and I can't wait to take their advanced classes next year! Ug, speaking of sophomore year... Picking classes is so hard when you love them all! D: But, I did have some luck. I was able to get into Honours English (one of the more advanced classes!).
As for my sophomore electives I had a choice between 4, which was very hard. Especially since I switched electives in the second semester.

1st - Algebra 1
2nd - Integrated Science
3rd - Fundamentals of Photography (hate that class, hate the teacher)
4th - English
Lunch
5th - P.E
6th - Fundamentals of Construction

I really like Construction, which is one of the classes I'm in now. Photography though... Oh god do I hate that class. Oh. My. God. Audio Visual was so much more fun. Here's the links to some of the stuff I did in them! Audio Visual and Photography. Not the most quality stuff in the world, but you know, I had fun making it.

Anyway, onto some of the more personal things that have happened since starting school. My new friends - I don't deserve them. I've made so many new ones and they add such a positive influence in my life that I've been kept out of the dark ever since meeting them. It's wonderful, honestly - to have friends like them. Some of them I'm very close to and can talk about pretty much anything, others are more casual and always lighten up my day when I'm feeling bad, and with all of them I know I can joke and laugh with all day because we're all just a bunch of weirdoes who have great senses of humour.

Honestly, the people I've met have made me wonder why I ever thought about other people the way I did. After meeting people and going through the high school experience I've learned something, something that I needed to have: Self Respect.

Before starting school I had friends who, although we had a lot of fun together (in the beginning, anyway), I always felt like I cared more about the friendship then they did. I would practically mute myself in situations and take the mental and verbal abuse because I thought I was being patient - that they couldn't help it and if we just talked it through then they would apologize - and things? They'd be great! Well they weren't, and because of a situation like that I lost my best friend.

Things are different now. I respect my friends, and they respect me. There's no constant tension or fight for dominance and certainly no bullshit. If we do get into an argument and something insults me or them, we don't screw around - we say so immediately and it gets solved! And if I meet someone who says something like that to me, I now have to courage to challenge them and defend myself - because god damn if I don't deserve that.

And that is something I will treasure having the ability to do. Now I really feel like I've stepped out of my old life, and I'm looking forward to every minute of my future because for once in a very long time I am totally and completely happy.

- End Post - April 13 - 2013

Hi guys. (: