lmao

me @ this blog: wtf was i, as a child

im screaming ive been alive 18 years and never seen something so cringeworthy

im gonna save this forever

#gloup

stares into camera like the Office

its been so long since I looked back at this blog and I've just been sitting here reading and cringing. Sophomore year was so annoying and I was such a hot mess I stg. But I learned a lot about life that year so it was worth it <3

Anyway, I don't think I'm gonna update this blog?? like I love it because i can look back and laugh at myself, but I thing I'll stick to Twitter for my rants and stuff unless I'm really,

really

bored.

But I'll probably make more writing centered blogs for storage! Cause one think I still like about blogspot is how you can customize things still, and that can be helpful when formatting

Anyway, just wanted to give a update

ciao (:

Rodeo

Ahhh, so it's finally rodeo weekend and it's so nice to finally have a break. Especially cause I get to go hiking and filming + a mall trip with my friend. A three-day school week isn't too bad either, omg. Oh the downside, next monday I have my Reading/Writing AIMS. My honors teacher seemed pretty confident about me doing well, but I'm still p nervous. I want to get a 6 and possibly get a scholarship, and to do that I really have to get creative with the essay.

Other than that, I wanted to kind of make this a mental health update. I don't know how everything's going really, it's been pretty wonky lately. My anger issues have been picking up, but in a way its reasonable because there have been a lot of stupid crossing into my life. So, lots o anger/irritation. I've also been wanting to be alone a lot more lately? Like, I have my group of friends that I love, and my best friend who I adore, but some other ones are just killing me cause we're too different.

It's nice though because I've been making new friends, but right now I really just want May to be here so I can get out of this state. The wait is killing me, and I really want to get out to NY and DC.

My anxiety has been down a lot lately, and I think I'm on the verge of being a lot more confident. Last night I was reading some stuff and it made me realize that I have one life, and what's life without a few regrets? I think finding a channel to plug my frustration into would be healthy. There's football and wrestling at my highschool (for everyone) and I've been thinking about wrestling for a really long time. That, or maybe running. Just something I can vent through without thinking much. I think I can do it, and if not through sports, painting. Since last year I've been getting more and more into it, and I think I'm finally going to start doing canvas work this month.

This has been an update;

Ciao!

Queer Dancing Baby

First month of 2014 and things have been pretty interesting! I spent New Years at the mall with friends and ended the day by breaking my toe on our living room couch (I literally stubbed my toe so hard I broke it what the heckie). I got some new stuff for my room including a really nice Game of Thrones poster and some new clothes/jewelry.

There's been a lotta drama at school, especially centered around my group of friends. They all have this ridiculous three-way friendship going on with each other and it's gotten pretty confusing. Other than that, school itself has gotten really stressful. I got my certificate for Semester 1 Honor Roll, which I'm really proud of, and an invitation to join the National Honors Society. NHS is stressing me out because of the tough entry requirements but it is something I'd really like to be a part of... Ug. The third thing is our school Newspaper. My English teacher asked me to join and do articles, but it involves talking to strangers and being really outgoing. I can already see the panic attacks on the horizon, and I can't refuse because I'm such a people pleaser and I will hate myself if I say no. On the bright side, at least it will look good on my resume,,,

The best event though was last night!!! Last night my school had our Winter Formal (a dance) and I went with my friend and we had a blast. It went from 8pm-11pm and I was ecstatic. I got a new dress and tights for it and ended up looking pretty cute! The dress was probably the shortest thing I've ever worn, but the tights made it work. Plus the high waistline made my chest look good (something petty I tend to stress over omg). The heels I had were killer tho, and after the first hour my feet were dying. The music was so fun too, and they played things like Gundam Style and Gaspedal (which was so fun to dance to I stg). For the slow-dance they even played one of my favorite songs - "Don't wanna miss a Thing" - and I danced with my friend to it.

It was also really nice because the Friday before I'd spent the night at my other friends house. The next morning we went to an event for our Culinary club and helped make the food.

But I think the thing I'm looking forward to most is tomorrow, which is when I may get questions about slow-dancing with my friend during the romantic songs. We know it was platonic, but it might've sent some red flags to them cause they have no idea I'm not straight. I guess it would be nice tho to come out without having to actually to say so.

If they ask what my sexuality is, it's gonna be confusing. I know 100% that I'm not straight because I have literally never identified as such and the idea is crazy to me. Over the years I've ID'd as pansexual, but now I'm not sure. It doesn't sit quite right with me anymore and I'm not sure why. Lately I've just been saying "Queer" cause it's easier than saying "Girls are always good - no matter what - and so is everyone else on the gender binary, but boys are hit or miss." Like, I see boys that I'm legit attracted to and would date, but it's so rare. Basically, Queer is how I roll, and I guess that's what I'll say. Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and find other Queer girls.

Christmas!!

Christmas this year was absolutely fantastic! The whole family, even though we're pretty small, got together and had Christmas dinner and exchanged presents. A few days before we all celebrated my cousins birthday too, which was also fun.

I've been able to get everyone some neat presents. I made cute little candy boxes for my friends and school and more elaborate stuff for closer friends & family. I've been doing a ton with my acrylic paints and modelling clay lately. Some of it has turned out really well too! For one of my friends I made a little Loki (from the Avengers) helmet. It turned out quite good. The presents I got were also fantastic! Some video games, new perfume, and a bunch of artist supplies.

Also on Christmas eve we went to this really special neighborhood in town where they decorate like crazy and have beautiful lights. We all packed in the car with pillows and blankets and drove through it. I really enjoyed it because it was the first Christmas in years where we were all happy and it really felt like the holidays. Tomorrow will be even more awesome cause my friend is coming over for a sleepover (my wife basically) and then we're going to the movies on Friday.

This week and the next will also be good for body adjustments. My sister just got her new snakebite piercings to match her brow and I'm going to get my hair done to match my new goal I have a piercing of my own now too (forgot to mention!!). Nose stud, nothing too exciting but the ring will come later. (in the middle, gold for sure). She got a new laptop so today we took our first conjoined selfie (my sister on the left and me on the right)

So fierce

NaNoWriMo 2013

I just finished my my first 50,000 words in NaNoWriMo (the title was Gold, and I ended with 91 pages), and I don't know why, but I almost feel somber about it. Like, looking back at the story I really enjoyed it a lot and I plan to finish it, definitely, because I need to see how it ends. Writing it was like an adventure, and I guess I'm sad because I know I'll be leaving those parts of me behind in the coming months because there's no official motivation or clock I need to keep up with.

I might continue it next NaNo, as the second part to the first novel, but in a way that's too long. I feel really emotionally involved with this story and that's one of the reasons I feel sad about finishing. Sure, it's really awesome I'm done and all, I'm so glad I did it, but still. It's so fresh in my mind I don't know how to accurately describe what's happening.

I'm getting all emotional about my characters, even the little minor ones, because it is a tragic story and what's happened to them is only just now sinking in. It seems all horrible and fun when you first write it, but then it sinks in and you realize what you've done to these imaginary people. They're like my kids, and I just want them to be happy but in some cases, that's just not how the story goes.

Bad things happen and you can't let those things go without repercussion, one because that's bad writing, and two because that's not how people are. I know some people might think it's weird to feel bad over something fictional, but hey, if you're a writer, I'm sure you know how I feel.

These are just the thoughts that have been rolling around in my head since I finished about an hour ago, and maybe they'll wear off soon, but until then, I'm going to continue planning out how to finish this story. The first 50k only covered 1/3 of it, so it's my pleasure to finish it in the months to come. I want to flesh out these characters and get to know them better, dive deeper, and, I swear to god, plan a way for some of them to make it through the struggles with only mild wounds.