Life. Ah, life, life, life. Sometimes it's quiet for good reasons and sometimes it's absolute dead silence, which tends to be a bit more eerie then the first. At the moment, the best way to describe me would be spiritually dead. No inspiration, no wanting, nothing. A blank slate, basically. And being in that state of mind is more disruptive then you might think!
I like to think I'm at the semi-point in life where I've backed myself into a corner and there are only two doors, and if I don't pick one the room I'm hiding in will slowly suffocate me. The thing is, I don't know what either door represents, so honestly, I have no idea what I'm choosing or what I'd be leaving. If any of that analogy makes since, +5 points to you.
Being spiritually dead is pretty boring. Maybe I'll find religion in the meantime! Or, you know, think about those two doors I mentioned earlier. It's hard solving a problem when you don't really view it as a problem. I wouldn't call it being depressed, because if anything I don't feel sad. Just neutral, which is boring. And when you're bored the easiest thing to default to is anger.
Surprisingly I haven't resorted to that, which only makes things worse. I'm not lonely either, which is also surprising because contrary to what most people think, I love socializing. That said, I do feel a tiny feeling that makes me want to have a companion present.
Two doors. A good analogy, but I'm already getting tired of it. Too much "hoodoo spiritual words that are trying to hard to be deep" going on. Sigh. Ugh, that's what I hate about being in this state of mind. Everything is boring and I just end up irritating myself. I just feel like I'm on a big cliff just waiting for something big to happen so I can give all my attention to it.
Something new, that's what I need. Sometime fresh that's actually positive in nature. 'Haven't had something like that in at least a year now. I could handle it, but the question is, what could that new thing be? Fresh, fresh, fresh. God I haven't had a fresh thing happen in my life for years now.
It could definitely get me out of my funk, especially since my "fighting-bears-under-waterfalls-while-meditating-in-my-mind-dojo" thing. Who knows, since I've straightened myself out maybe the world will be better this time. After all, no one's seen me yet. Maybe I'll finally get that one friend I've always wanted.
Fresh. Not a fresh start, or "new beginning". No, fuck that. That's not what I need. I know exactly what I need now, what a look in the soul this update has been. Hmm. I think I know what door to take, but whoa now it's going to be a change of pace.
With that said, even though they'll never see it, I wanna give a shout-out to my friend for setting me on this pace. One sentence! One sentence was all it took for them to shake me out of it and make me take this mini-path in the first place. I mean god damn. What a friend!
-Laura.
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