Unstable Relationships

 As a introvert, I sometimes get this feeling in the back of my head that tells me I don't need people, that I could make it fine by my own.

 While that little voice does has some reason behind it, I tend to ignore it because in the end there's nothing worse then being so arrogant as to agree to that.

 However, there are times when I do side with it more then usual. This usually happens when my bullshit meter starts clicking or when things are particularly sketchy with my friends/family. Or both, usually.

 When that happens I usually start paying closer attention to people, how they interact with me, and how the general mood is. It's surprising how strange things get when you pay close attention to those things.

 Sometimes I ask myself "is it me, or them? Have I done something wrong, or are things just not working between us?" It's a surprisingly odd question to ask yourself when it comes to fellow relationships with people.

 However, like I said, I think of it alot. I don't like to consider myself picky when it comes to friends and family, but there are some things that make me question our relationship.

 When it comes to relationships, the only way it'll function is if both parties are interested in the relationship. If not, then what's the point? Why keep going and make each other miserable? I've never understood why people have such a hard time doing this. If you don't enjoy the friendship, or even try to pretend you like it, when why keep it "official"? There's nothing wrong with parting ways with someone you don't like.

  People confuse me in that way.

 When it comes to relationships, sometimes it's easy to think you can do without them if times are tough. In reality, I think that pretty much everyone has to have at least one person to talk to. Thinking you can productively live otherwise is a bit of a long shot. Not impossible, no, but hard.

 I lasted a year without any contact and that almost drove me up the wall. Of course, it was also my own version of monk mountain training while fighting bears under waterfalls... Not to mention the politics and culture I was learning about. That helped, of course. Distractions are the best treatment for loneliness.

 "Is me me, or them?" A strange question, definitely. There are many different ways you could look at it.

 If it is your fault, then why? What are you doing, and is it a response to something they've done, or your own personality?

 If it's theirs, then what are they doing? Is it a response to something you've done or is it just them?

 How well do you two work together, how many interests do you share, and how well do you function as friends? Do you talk a lot? Avoid each other? Do you have conflicting opinions? Personalities? The list goes on.

 Of course there are always tough times during a friendship, but at some points you have to ask yourself, will this work? Do I want this?

 Whatever the answer is, sometimes all you have to do is say what your feeling and don't dance around the subject. If things aren't working, then that's fine. You have to take your own path, even if it means leaving someone behind.

 I've always had trouble making the right friends, or finding forms of companionship in general. Maybe it's because I've been in the same circle for awhile, but I don't know. In my experience, if you don't look in the right places, it can be very hard to find friends who share legitimate interests and mutually care about each other. To say the least, this is one of the things that led me to becoming a introvert and having trust issues in the first place.

 Finding functional friendships is a difficult task, but I think it really pays off in the end. Some friendship don't even have to have mutual interests in them! For example, me and my cousin. We share absolutely no interests or hobbies, but at the moment she's the only person I can fall completely in sync with. We care about each other, and that's all it really takes!

 - Laura.

Bad Things (Negative Post, oh lord)

 The elections are coming up soon. I'm scared. Honest to god, I am tearing up over it because I am so afraid of what might happen, what could happen, and how easily it could be done.

 People talk about the bad in the world all the time. It's something parents mention, or half-mention, through most of your child hood. "It's a big world out there," they say. It's something the news focus' on, and newspapers and blogs. There's always enough material to go around.

 I don't think a lot of people realize how bad it is, and can be. How bad things really are if you look close enough, not just economically, but morally. I really don't blame them for not trying too hard either.

 I don't know in any way how bad things can be, how far they can go. But, I've caught glimpse. Peeked through windows that show how things really are on the outside, how disturbing, how distressing.

 Things opened up for me, after a incident I had. It was a video.
It seemed harmless at first, and I was curious, so why not hit play? I saw the comments, knew something bad was going to happen, but I thought I could take it.

 It horrified me. Not in a way that I was disgusted by it, or angry, but sad. I just didn't understand, couldn't comprehend, why something like that would happen. I didn't even know why I was crying at first, maybe it was for the guy in the video, or maybe it was because of what was happening to him. I don't know.

 I saw a little bit of evil that day. Life suddenly became much more then anime and yaoi, smut and bands. There was a kind of sick appreciation for all the bad things you see on tv and how genuinely /fake/ it is.

 I started getting into politics, LGBT rights, and the world in general. Things like that video started phasing me less, and changed from shock to disgust.

 I've barely seen the surface of things, but I have a idea of how they look. That's why the elections scare me. Terrify me, actually. Because there's the question in the back on my mind asking "What if Obama isn't re-elected?"

 What if? How much worse will things get if we have President Romney sitting on the throne?

 Ever since I've gotten into politics, I can't ignore it anymore. Can't just say "that's it!" and stop paying attention. I can't just play the "I'm a kid" card and not think about any of this.

 I'm aware, so why not worry about it? So what if I can't change anything, the least I can do is think about it now so I have experience later!

 It's scary. I don't like it. Honestly, thinking about what's out there makes me want to curl into a ball and make sure I never bring a kid into this country unless I know it'll be safe. It makes things harder because I understand things better now and see the bad all the time.

 Even in friends, family, strangers, whether they're aware of it or not, there's are the small judgements, almost-there insults, and even wrong sentences that could have so much effect if said to the wrong person. Just tiny mistakes that I know they don't mean, but the fact that we live in a place where those phantom-intentions could exist is troubling.

 I don't like the world.  I don't like the way it is, or how some of it functions. It scares me, makes me want to stay in my solitary haven of open-mindedness and ignore all the bad things out there. All the monsters under the bed. But you can't spend you life hiding.

 So even though I know how bad it can get, and even though I've gotten to the point where a world confined to my hobbies seems like a ignorant nightmare, I'm still me. I'm a optimist. I have hope. I can still see the light in the world, the good.

 And that's the silver lining.

Self-Image

 Strength is something that attracts me. Mentally, physically, and intellectually. Physical strength has always been important to me, since day one.

 The ability to fight someone and pose a fair challenge, or to run faster then your friends or family and feel the ground pass underneath you is one of the best feelings.

 It's a weirdly addicting thing.

 To be strong, physically, has always been important to me because it adds a layer of comfort. To know that you can take care of yourself, and not be afraid to confront people, is empowering.

 Kung Fu was nice for me because I got to hone my physical skill, and practice with other people. It was great and kept me in shape, but now that it's gone, and I haven't invested in other ways to stay fit that way. I've grown rusty.

 I'm reasonably strong intellectually, and I've spent the last year strengthening myself culturally and politically. Mental strength is something I value more then physical muscle, and it will always be that way. But, I'm at the point right now where I not only need, but want, to train myself physically. Not because of the power or strength, but because of how I see my body.

 I'm comfortable with my body. I don't hate it like I used to, but I'm not happy with it either. I know I'm too soft, too squishy, and even though I can throw a good punch, it's not my full potential. I want to be able to run longer then I can now, and I want to be able to take someone on physically if the time calls for it.

 My ideal body type is iffy, but I know what I have in mind. The stocky/robust body type is what I want to aim for. Strong and muscled, but not necessarily skinny. I could care less how big my waist is, what I want out of the way is fat. Again, not to be skinny, but to replace it with muscle.

 So I have a goal this summer. I want to get that body type, or at least start the journey towards it. I'll go running, take trips to the gym, and at least try to start eating regular meals. Even though I'm heavy now, it's not because I'm over-eating. It's because I eat small snacks here and there and never work the calories off.

 I don't know when I'll start this plan, but I want to do it soon. There are definitely some steps that'll be hard to take, but I want to make the journey and get to my goal.

 I've also thought about cutting my hair so it's shorter. It would definitely be easier to manage, but I'm nervous about cutting the hair I've been growing for so long. It's decision I'll eventually make, maybe when I achieve my bodily goal, but for now I'll leave it.

 Anyway, that's all for now. Or maybe not, I don't know. I guess we'll have to see

 -Laura.

Five Stories

 1. I confuse right and left a lot and usually forget which way is which. The way I figure it out is by twitching my right leg, and there's a story behind this!

 When I used to do Kung Fu we'd regularly have to switch our leg positions to do our different Shaolin Power Fist sets or simple kick/punch movements. Whenever we'd have to switch legs our Master (now Grand-master! <3) would shout out "Right/Left leg back!", so whenever I forget right/left I move my right leg back as a reflex and remember.

 Another small story is about our teacher, Master Kravets. Since the day I met him when I was 9 I've only ever called him that! He has a name of course, but even outside the dojo it always felt wrong to address him in any other way. His wife, who was also one of our teachers, we called Sifu! I've always addressed them as those names and even though I don't practice Kung Fu anymore (though I really would love to...) I still call them by those names, because as cheesy as it sounds, they're still my teachers and I will always respect them that way.

 2. One time when I went to the dentist there was a male nurse/assistant who was taking my x-rays.

 While we were walking to the rooms he asked me what my name was. I told him Laura and he asked if I liked my name. I told him no, and then he asked what I'd change it to if I could. I told him "I wouldn't change it." and then he asked why.

 I didn't have time to catch myself and ended up answering "Because sometimes you just have to deal with things you don't like." He was surprised and even gasped a little, which made me blush a bit. I don't remember exactly what he said, but it was sometimes along the lines of "That's very wise, more people should think like that."

 I don't know why, but it really made me happy.

 3. One of the times that I've felt close to peace was one night in December 2010. I was dating my best friend then, and she was having a sleep-over. The two of us sneaked outside and sat in my mom's meditation garden, looking at the stars and talking. I was wearing my new $50 coat and the two of us were struggling to sit on the chair together. She was really cold so we didn't get to stay out long, I remember really wanting to stay out there and watch the stars with her.

 4. When I was with my girlfriend I was really touchy-feel-y and a general cuddler. We'd always be joined at the hip and talking each other's ears off until someone dragged us apart and whenever she'd sleep over we'd always be in the same bed (there was no way either of us would settle for the floor). Now, since I was a cuddler, we'd automatically spoon. I was always the big spoon and I'd always have to have my arms around her waist otherwise I couldn't sleep.

 To this day, even though I don't see her anymore, I still have the habit. After doing for my whole childhood, I can't sleep unless I have my arms around a pillow or sleep in a position where my arms are doing something.

 5. During one of the time when my cousin was visiting me my house, me and her decided to play with the candle I had in my room. We took popsicle sticks, matches, and scrap pieces of paper and fed it to the fire we started in a small tin can. After five or ten minutes, it got so big that it set the fire-detector off!

 Now, my mom was sleeping, so we were both immediately scared that it was going to wake her up. The two of us yelled at each other to get water and I ended up running down the hall to our bathroom, cupping water from the faucet in my hands and running back to dump it on the pit we'd started.

 The entire area of the dresser it was sitting on was scorched and I ended up having to make three trips in order to put it out. By then, my cousin had run out of the room and into my sisters.

 My mom woke up, of course, and came to see what the problem was. My cousin strolled out of my sister's room and put on a surprised face while saying "What happened? :O" I ended up lying through my teeth and as soon as the alarm shut off me and my cousin wrestled then laughed it off.

Temper

 I like to think I have pretty good control over my tempter in general. Maybe not so much when it comes to the little day-to-day things, but when it comes to the bigger stuff, I like to think I keep myself composed fairly well.

 When it comes to family and friends, I usually have pre-selected things to say when I'm angry or feeling irritable with them. It's easy, and all I have to do is not say something that will spark a fight, as much as I want to. My temper will usually already be flaring, but people don't really notice. They probably just think I'm crabby or tired. This works for me. That way, I can still be angry, but they'll never know.

 This usually works out and things go along just fine, but sometimes it gets a bit harder then usual. Sometimes I'm literally seconds away from out-right calling them out and challenging them. If we're having a conversation and they say something particularly rude, ignorant, or cruel I have to take a second before answering because otherwise I'll tear them apart. It's disgusting, degrading, and shameful.

 Like I said before, I like to think I'm good with my temper. I've never lashed out seriously before, and if anyone thinks they've seen that part of me, they are sorely wrong. As nice or decent as I can be sometimes, it will never compare. Never. It doesn't matter how long I've known a person, because if we get into a serious fight, and I don't hold back, I will have something to say. And it won't be nice.

 Lately it's been a bit harder then usual to hold back. Nothing has slipped, but I'm still dancing around the edge here. I don't know what is causing it, but all that anger is seeping out again.

 Except, I don't think it's anger. I think it's tolerance. I honestly think I'm running out of tolerance for all the shit that I've had to put up with.

 I'm getting tired of catering to my friends and family. Especially with my friends! All I've ever done is cater them! Of course we have fun times, that's a given, but when it comes to the serious stuff? I never say anything. I never take the chance to voice my opinion because they always take it as a personal attack. It doesn't matter if they're hurting, insulting, or just being plain rude because apparently I'm the jerk. 


 For the love of god, if one of them insults me one more time about being different, mean, or not understanding enough, I swear to god I will tear them apart. And especially when it comes to being pansexual. Every. single. one. has insulted me, and the entire LGBT community once. Every one but my old girlfriend. Then they turn around and say they like yaoi and "wish they had a gay best friend" and oh my god. Please stop.

 Please.

 Like I said before, I don't think it's anger. I think it's tolerance. I'm okay with that, because I know I can't change my friends and there's no point in getting fussed up over it. I still am, but it'll pass. I'll get ahold of it and everything will go back to normal.

- Laura.

Abortion

 Abortion. A reasonably popular topic. Lots of people for it, lots of people against it. I, of course, already have my opinion on it and thought I'd share.

 As you probably guessed, I'm pro-choice. Pro-choice meaning, if a woman/girl wishes to abort the fetus, I fully support them. There are a couple of reasons why I support this, but in the end it just comes to my own moral decency.

 Now, if you're pro-life, meaning you do not support abortions, then that probably offended you. Maybe. If so, well, I'd be lying if I said I was sorry. Personally, I think you're the scum of the earth. That being said, I understand that it is your opinion. It's okay not to agree with someone, to have different opinions, etc -but what I absolutely despise about most people with conflicting opinions is that they will do whatever it takes to shove their opinion down your throat. It's fine if you're pro-life, but if you are, please keep it to yourself and let the rest of female society live their life.

 Now that the general insults are done, let's get on with it.

 The base reasons I support abortion are:

1. Fetus' are removed at a stage where the supposed "baby" is only a small clump of cells. The fetus cannot think, feel, or exhibit any other traits associated with conscious life. It is, as stated before, a clump of cells. Even at times when the fetus may be more developed I still fully support the decision to abort it. A lot of people don't understand that when abortions are done, the 'baby' isn't the thing you see being held by mothers.

2. Some people say that if a woman has sex, she is responsible for the child that comes with it. Excuse me, but who told your entitled ass that something like that was acceptable? It doesn't matter if she's "responsible", if a woman doesn't want a child, she DOES NOT have to have it. End of story.

 Forcing a woman to have a child and cutting off all means of safely taking care of the problem is almost the same as pregnancy rape.  Forcing them to have a child they may not even be medically able to birth, may not be able to take care of financially, or simply don't want, is wrong.

3. No man, woman, group or government should have the right to control a woman body.

 Of course there are more, but these are the my main reasons. If you have your own, or would like to discuss,  feel free to leave a comment. For now, this is all I have to say on the matter, and I may continue this later. At the moment though, this post is over.

- Laura.

Flippancy + Update

 Hey! It's been awhile since I've updated, and there's no reason in particular other then the fact that I really haven't had anything worth-while to tell. I've just been keeping to myself lately. Not a bad thing, in fact, some very nice things have happened lately!

 I've been enjoying things a lot more then I used to, and I've become a big fan of Supernatural. The story and characters are so interesting and complex, I just really enjoying viewing them. I've started to get a bit bored of the Homestuck fandom, which is sad, but it's not nearly as interesting. Other then new shows & fandoms, I can't really say much is different as far as my enjoyment goes. Well, minus my friends, of course.

 Things are better for me emotionally then they have been for a long time. For the first time in gods know when, I've actually started laying my stuff down on the table a lot more then I used to. I can't say it's the easiest process in the world, but hey, a little progress is better then nothing. Still, there's still that feeling of impending doom looming over my head. Not nearly as bad as it was before, it's just simple anxiety and general twitchy-ness. I feel tired a lot and just want to be as frivolous as I can without getting in trouble.

 As far as what's causing the anxiety, well, I can pin it down to two things, neither of which I can change. I'm weirdly at peace with that, so I doubt this mood will last long.

 Anyway, moving on from my usual blather.

 I think I'll post a opinion rant or something soon. I don't know. Raging about my opinions can be nice, especially when I have to sort it into functional words and sentences. Or maybe not. I don't know, it really depends on if I can single anything out, y'know? If anyone has a suggestion or wants my opinion on something specific, don't be shy. Again, nothing note-worthy has come up, so I have nothing better to do.

 - Laura.