Unstable Relationships

 As a introvert, I sometimes get this feeling in the back of my head that tells me I don't need people, that I could make it fine by my own.

 While that little voice does has some reason behind it, I tend to ignore it because in the end there's nothing worse then being so arrogant as to agree to that.

 However, there are times when I do side with it more then usual. This usually happens when my bullshit meter starts clicking or when things are particularly sketchy with my friends/family. Or both, usually.

 When that happens I usually start paying closer attention to people, how they interact with me, and how the general mood is. It's surprising how strange things get when you pay close attention to those things.

 Sometimes I ask myself "is it me, or them? Have I done something wrong, or are things just not working between us?" It's a surprisingly odd question to ask yourself when it comes to fellow relationships with people.

 However, like I said, I think of it alot. I don't like to consider myself picky when it comes to friends and family, but there are some things that make me question our relationship.

 When it comes to relationships, the only way it'll function is if both parties are interested in the relationship. If not, then what's the point? Why keep going and make each other miserable? I've never understood why people have such a hard time doing this. If you don't enjoy the friendship, or even try to pretend you like it, when why keep it "official"? There's nothing wrong with parting ways with someone you don't like.

  People confuse me in that way.

 When it comes to relationships, sometimes it's easy to think you can do without them if times are tough. In reality, I think that pretty much everyone has to have at least one person to talk to. Thinking you can productively live otherwise is a bit of a long shot. Not impossible, no, but hard.

 I lasted a year without any contact and that almost drove me up the wall. Of course, it was also my own version of monk mountain training while fighting bears under waterfalls... Not to mention the politics and culture I was learning about. That helped, of course. Distractions are the best treatment for loneliness.

 "Is me me, or them?" A strange question, definitely. There are many different ways you could look at it.

 If it is your fault, then why? What are you doing, and is it a response to something they've done, or your own personality?

 If it's theirs, then what are they doing? Is it a response to something you've done or is it just them?

 How well do you two work together, how many interests do you share, and how well do you function as friends? Do you talk a lot? Avoid each other? Do you have conflicting opinions? Personalities? The list goes on.

 Of course there are always tough times during a friendship, but at some points you have to ask yourself, will this work? Do I want this?

 Whatever the answer is, sometimes all you have to do is say what your feeling and don't dance around the subject. If things aren't working, then that's fine. You have to take your own path, even if it means leaving someone behind.

 I've always had trouble making the right friends, or finding forms of companionship in general. Maybe it's because I've been in the same circle for awhile, but I don't know. In my experience, if you don't look in the right places, it can be very hard to find friends who share legitimate interests and mutually care about each other. To say the least, this is one of the things that led me to becoming a introvert and having trust issues in the first place.

 Finding functional friendships is a difficult task, but I think it really pays off in the end. Some friendship don't even have to have mutual interests in them! For example, me and my cousin. We share absolutely no interests or hobbies, but at the moment she's the only person I can fall completely in sync with. We care about each other, and that's all it really takes!

 - Laura.